Reasons why I can't keep a girlfriend

I'ts pretty much fictional, but enjoyable none the less....

I answer the question "What are you thinking about?" and "What's your fantasy?" truthfully.

• I find it ridiculous to write a Facebook post to anyone I have talked to in the last thirty minutes.
  
  
• I have the song "Bitches Ain't Shit" on my ipod and refuse to acknowledge that "Hey, There Delilah" is "our" song.
  
  
• I repeatedly misinterpret the word "sure" for "yes" and the phrase "Everything's fine" for "Everything's fine."
  
  
• I quote movie lines slightly incorrect right before they are said.
  
  
• I religiously pee in the shower.
  
  
• My sex drive exponentially increases when I'm told that you're "trying to fall asleep."
  
  
• I have confidence that Hallmark sums up my feelings pretty well.
  
  
• I enjoy being alone some nights.
  
  
• I laugh after thinking that the rhyme should be two in the pink, some of the pinky in the stink, SLAP, "Crap!" Tap, tap, tap (footsteps).
  
  
• I play the guitar poorly and often.
  
  
• I can't stop, addicted to the shin dig.
  
  
• I can't fall asleep if any part of anyone is touching me either directly or indirectly.
  
  
• My pet names for you always involve your tits and some sort of candy. "Licorice Tits"
  
  
• I would rather just give you 20 dollars cash than 20 dollars in a gift card.
  
  
• I compare any problem we have to either an episode of Boy Meets World (Shawn and Corey) or Scrubs (JD and Turk).
  
  
• I don't find it necessary to wash hands after onezies.
  
  
• I believe that jeans are the only clothing item that can be worn for two months straight on a three day rotation and not be disgusting.
  
  
• I stand by the ratio that two hours of Wii sports is equivalent to one hour of the real sport excluding bowling which is nearly a 1:1.
  
  
• I define sleeping in as missing breakfast and some of lunch, not 9:00 A.M.
  
  
  
• I am very afraid to poop in your apartment, resulting in a lot of sudden ends to dates and/or movies.
  
  
• If I find a synthetic fiber in my bed before I fall asleep, I floss with it. If I find floss in my bathroom before I go to bed, I don't.
  
  
  
• I didn't know there was such a thing as a four-month anniversary.
  
  
• I can only play the first nine seconds of "Blackbird" on my guitar.
  
  
• I tried using that, "I didn't know you had a sister!" joke with your mom but it turned into a fight about how I never listen to you.
  
  
• I sing songs that I "know" on the radio by emphasizing the last word of each line right after it is said.
  
  
• I think I know how to dance.
  
  
• I wear cologne and spray my junk twice for good luck.
  
  
• I share my cell phone plan with my entire family which gives me just under three minutes a day to speak.
  
  
• I don't send you enough bumper stickers on Facebook and when I do they never work.
  
  
  
• I always forget which friends of yours I get to make fun of.
  
  
• I would rather watch Sideways and Meatballs4 instead of hanging out with you.
  
  
• The ratio of "shoulder to upper-inner-thigh" massages I give is roughly 1:100.
  
  
• If I'm smiling, I'm happy. If I'm coughing, I'm sick. If I'm sleeping, I'm just tired, not pissed off.
  
  
• I'd rather do one long thirty-minute snooze than six, five-minute snoozes.
  
  
• When you ask me to pick you up at seven, I will show up at seven. If you want me to come earlier, ask me to come earlier.
  
  
• I am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything, except handjobs and Sex and the City re-runs.

Thanks College humor for making Jon B laugh today!

2 posts 2 days?? Whats this world comming to!?!?!?!

A shinebone is a usefull tool to find tables and park benches in the dark.-remember these wise words from Jon B!!