R. Kelly: Greatest musical genius of our time?

So last night among close friends, Hippies (and a girl), popcorn and Meatballs 4, the talk of R. Kelly came up. Mike claimed that he is pure and original genius. I shrugged it off as a random statement. I blurt those out quite often. But the more we talked about it, R. Kelly IS a genius. If you haven't seen Trapped in the Closet Parts 1-68, you're missing out. Youtube or go out and buy that! Lets take a look at example A (from You remind me of Something )

You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it/

Something like my sound, I wanna pump it/

Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it/

And something like my bank account I wanna spend it, baby.

Are you kidding me? Tom Waits eat your heart out! Kells is a pure, musical phenomenon! I wish I could go on, and on about this guy, but I don't have time.

I think I have rested my case about R. Kelly being one of the superior talents of all time. As Mikes famous quote goes "That guy can pee on who ever he wants as long as he keeps putting out jams like these". True that.

On a separate note, Minneapolis ranked #1 in the U.S. as the most literate city. That's quite an accomplishment giving the fact that most people can't read the signs that say "bikes have the right of way'......

The day after, the day after Christmas

Whats up fellow Internet goons? I hope everyone had a good holiday season. As far as I know, none of us ended up in jail. See that picture to the left? Deb and Chris took it. I have to give full rights to that.

In case you missed it, Steve also had a birfday (yes, I said birfday). It was trill (or treal).

Finals are finally over, so I should be dropping more random notes on here.

For whatever reason, I've been bumping Regulators by Warren G lately. I don't know why........

Well, its semi-official. Within a year, I should be done with school with more degrees than a thermometer.

Did anyone see that horrible Vikings game last Sunday night?? Makes me ashamed to live here......even though I can't really stand the team.

Speaking of things from Minnesota, if anyone gets a chance, check out Drew Downs tattoo. The Minneapolis skyline.....Thank god he didn't go with the St. Louis Park water tower.

Streets beware: Johnny B got a new bicycle. So come Spring, watch out for a skinny guy with no pants on rolling through your hood.

But one of the best Christmas presents has to be 2 cans of Joose from Mike Boo. You can't find that drink in the Twin Cities (I've checked EVERYWHERE). But Mike brought some from San Francisco. Trill.

Well, that's it for now. There will be a 'new movie idea' post in a day or so.

And remember: Talk is cheap, that's why everyone can afford it.

Monday:: The day after Sunday

Whats that? The Vikings are going to beat Green Bay in Green Bay? And you're going to bet me a box of Mike and Ikes?? Time to pay up suckas! In case you missed it, the Packers beat the Vikings 34-0. Did I say beat?? I meant squashed. It's odd how a great game can start the week off so right. I never like to see players hurt, and Adrian Peterson is no exception. Besides the fact he plays under one of the worst coaches to come to the Vikings, he's a great talent. I hope it's nothing serious.

And what's with the Steelers?? Could they be the sneak attack in the AFC and route the Pats and Colts? Maybe......

Too bad for the Lions. I like John Kitna, and would like to see them do good (but not too good). -18 yards rushing? That's unheard of! Poor guys...And against the Cardinals?? Wow.

I always hear guys on the NFL networks talk about their "experts". What does it take to be an "NFL expert" for ESPN or Sports Illustrated?? I've decided that there are a few criteria: You have to be right 51% of the time, and have some coaching/playing/ lots and lots of watching experience of the game. Ok, so I played football my whole life, still semi-train for it, and am right over 50% of the time on who's going to win, so does that make me an "expert"? Yes, yes it does. So goodbye Jon the Internet funny guy, hello Jon the football expert. As I was jogging at the Y today, I was flipping through the latest edition of Sports Illustrated and they said "Don't bet on the Packers running for more than 50 yards the entire game against the Vikings. And look for the Saints to have their way against the Rams this weekend". Really wrong on both counts. So I thought "hey, I can make wacky claims about games and maybe someone will believe me, others will hate me for causing them to lose betting money:. So that will be a new section on here in the near future.

David Beckham also visited the Metradome to play soccer yesterday...As you guessed, more people showed up for the Oasis cover band in some kids garage, than watched that game. Did Pele' teach us nothing?? America doesn't care about soccer in the least. I think it's on the same plain as curling. One of the coolest things I've ever done, is watching a soccer game in the stadiums in Brazil. People in other countries get PUMPED for soccer. And its really amazing to watch, but it doesn't have the same jazz in America. Maybe one day, but Becks isn't the guy to do it.

On a very un-related note, its veterans day (observable). So go to the VFW and thank a veteran or something. WW1, 2, Korea and Vietnam are some of the most important conflicts our country has faced. And since I was more influenced by pretty-girl-chasing, playing sports, college and committing random crimes, I never joined up. I get enough of people trying to shoot at me as I walk through the hood, so I guess I never saw the draw for me to go overseas to have someone shoot at me. So for that, I thank all the people that have the ability to do that. How much we actually owe the people who fight in wars, we will never know. Had we not fought or won, our country would be obviously different. So thank someone when you can, not just today.

So happy Monday yall'! And remember:: "It's better to be injured by someone you know on accident, then by someone you don't know on purpose". -Dwight.

I also have no clue why I've been listening to Michael Jackson's "The way you make me feel" a lot lately. Though the song is good in itself, I guess I just dig people who say "Sha-c'mone" in a song.

Also, I got to see some rough cuts of the new Lost Boys 2 movie. It looks pretty good. Corey Feldman is dope as a frog brother. The only downside?? There's no Haim in the flick.

el presidente'

So people have been asking me "Yo Jon, you're kind of a politics nerd, who would make the best president in the 08 election"? Now politics is a touchy issue. People for the war, can't stand those against it, and vice versa. Some believe in global warming, rising oil prices, lead in China toys, the Spice Girls reunion-I mean, c'mone, there's a lot of hot button issues out there. I racked my brain for a while about all the candidates and came up with the ideal person for the president of the United States.......

Bill Bellamy from MTV.




I mean, really, this guys is great. He hosted MTV Jams AND the Beach House. Not even Obama can top that. And let us not forget the classic flicks How to be a Player and Love Stinks. Not to mention he is the cousin of Shaq. He can bring peace in the middle east, save the whales, freeze the polar ice caps with his cold flow, keep Kevin Costner from making movies, bring back Fragglerock, make gatorade the national drink, and get Scrubs to stay on the air a few more seasons. Can John Mccain claim that?? I think not....But alas, every top dog needs a vice president. But who??

Big Worm from Friday.

You wanna get rid of the national debt?? Get this guy to do it! Remember how scared Smokey was when he owed him a little dough?? Just think of what Big Perm, I mean, Big Worm gets ahold of those other nations regarding our national funding. Plus, any guy that rocks a perm and drives a sick lowrider (not to mention the ice cream truck), is a fresh person in my book. So those wacky French are messing stuff up?? The Worm will just walk in, and say "Hey Zarkozy, you're playin' with my emotions", and then whip out the .45--problems solved. And if someone was just a bit much for the Worm (not that it will EVER happen), but..enter Deebo.

Do you really think anyone would wanna test a chubby guy in a perm AND a guy that will knock you out, take your beach cruiser and make you break into a house?? Heck, I would even venture to say we could get rid of the national defense if we had Deebo running things..Fort Knox would be filled with stolen gold chains, watches and pagers.

Shall we take this one step further?? Sure, why not. Presidents fill their cabinet after they get voted in, but in this case, I will make a point for doing it before the votes are tallied.


Surgeon General: Dr. Cox. Suddenly everything that was bad for you, is somehow good. How you like that newbie??









New Supreme Court Chief Justice: Judge Harry Stone from Night Court. Hilarity ensues...

Secretary of Treasury: Kevin Malone. If this guy can keep the Office funds in order and not go bankrupt, he can do wonders for our screwed up economy.

Secretary of Transportation:: Speedy Gonzales. I think enough is said through his name...

Secretary of Education:: Mr. Hand from Fast Times. Everyone would be on time, and not your time, but our time. Education would be top notch.

Secretary of the Interior: Puxatony Phil. I mean, if this groundhog can make a single day repeat itself over and over, he can probably help fix some of the problems with our land management.




So there you have it folks, the 2008 Presidential Cabinet. Sure, there may be some people that I forgot about, or would be better in their respective positions, but this is what I think of at 9am on a Thursday.

On a random note, check out the new Wutang album 8 Chambers. It's a banger. And thanks to Mike, check out Rhyme Pays by Ice-t (more over, the track 409).

Not much else is going on in the world of note. The Timberwolves are looking to a horrible season, as is the Gophers hockey. The Vikings (if they ever make the wise decision and get rid of their bumble-of-a-quarterback) may turn around and become a good team. I mean, I've always hated the Queens for the most part, but Adrian Peterson is one highlight. As I said after week 1, he will be the rookie of the year, and the Vikings should really build a team around him. We saw what happened in Detroit with Barry Sanders when the team refused to adapt to the trophy player on the team, and would up paying for it. The "let the defense win games" is a great idea, but the Vikes need a QB in a bad way. As most peopel feel, Brooks should be given a starting chance. Tavaris is one of the worst quarterbacks since Daunte (funny how they both came here), and Holcomb is struggling. So what does the wise Childress say? "Tavaris is the starter and will remain it". Way to go.....Why didn't we keep Mike Tomlin or get Steve Mariucci?? oh well, its good for the rest of the NFC at least.

Other than that, have a good Thursday and weekend, and watch out for pranks. Some of us are on the prowl.

On Strike

I've decided that along with the Writers Guild of America, I will also be going on a strike from writing things.

So with that in mind, I suppose I will just leave a list of random thoughts.......

I saw a commercial with Chuck Norris yesterday where he walked into a classy diner, and it said "tough, meet classy". It was dope...

Statik Selektah just dropped Spell my name right. It's one of the best albums I've heard in a while. Way better than that Kobe Bryant rap cd..

I sometimes forget how incredibly hot Jennifer Love Hewitt is. I mean, in the realest sense, she has to be one of the dopest ladies alive. I would definitely let her make me cheese fries sometime. And I figure since she's dated some of the lamest fellows around (John Mayer and Carson Daley), she would be down for humor regarding heists, the speeze and Saturns.

I saw snow for the first time this year...and we all know what comes next...

Well, thats it people. Have a spiferific week and a semi-decent Monday.

Oh yeah, the Packers won again and thats a top notch 7-1.

JB


p.s. If you don't know about Banksy, do some lookin'. He is one dope cat when it comes to the street postings.

Halloweeeeeenies

Happy Halloween people.

So yesterday, I'm eating my breakfast skipping over channels and I come upon The Morning Show with Mike and Julie. Besides the fact that Julie is a hottie, the show is really boring. But anyway, they had a story of "A new phenomenon that is sweeping the nation--freak dancing". What?? New?? Didn't we have a song called bump and grind that everyone was grinding too in the early 90's?? I remember grinding with ladies in the 7th grade at dances. Who wrote this show, someone who was born in 1992? Oh, and let us not forget they made a movie about it.....Nobody puts Baby in the corner (but someone sure did put the both of them on the D-list of Hollywood celebrities).

On another note, Blender magazine let out their list of 50 worst lyricists in music. Guess who made the list?? That guy from Creed, Smashing Pumpkins, Fred Durst...etc. Ok, Ok, I can accept these guys, but Common also made the list--insert the "what?!?" face here. Lets face it, the guy is probably one of the best rappers out. What was Blenders reason for inserting Mr Common Sense in the list??? "Never trust a rapper who wears a sweater vest". I also don't trust rock magazines who try to critique hiphop. What did they say was Commons worst lyric?? “I’m your worst nightmare squared/That’s double for niggas who ain’t mathematically aware” (“Making a Name for Ourselves”). Maybe they should have done a check on who spit that line......Canibus. Sure it was on the Common album, but it was the Bus who kicked it......

And the teacha' made the list. Thats right, KRS ONE is on the list for worst lyricists. Maybe they should have thrown Rakim, Big Daddy Kane and Kool G Rap in there too. Really?? KRS?? The reason?? "See, cows live under fear and stress/Trying to think what’s gonna happen next/Fear and stress can become a part of you/In your cells and blood, this is true” (“Beef”). Granted, Diddy made the list (which should be a given), but not KRS..The same guy who gave us The Bridge is Over, Criminal Minded, and Jimmy cannot be on any list which talks about bad lyrics. I get it, the guy does make some corny lines sometimes, but you skipped over Soulja Boy, Mase,95% of the Bad Boy label, No Limit Soldiers and Coolio to put KRS on this list??

so keep your kids safe tonight, and watch out for JB the bag snatcher!

When your mouth moves faster than your brain.

So here's a rather odd story that happened to me today. I'm at school, working with a group on some lame project. I'm sorta daydreaming in and out of the conversation. And then I hear this girl say "...I was wiping, and my sleeve got a little poo on it, and it smelled for like 4 hours. I didn't realize what the smell was coming from until I got home. That's like the funniest and most embarrassing thing I have ever done". Just then, I return to un-daydreaming and say "That's cool, but not uppertank cool". As I was saying this, I didn't think anything was wrong until I got to "but not...." As I was talking, my brain ran to grab the emergency off button. I had visions of Homer Simpson in a nuclear meltdown running around frantic, looking for the ANY key. Obviously it didn't get to it in time. I knew as soon as I said uppertank, I was going to have to explain it. Of course, the 4 girls look at me and one says "Whats an uppertank"? I sat there for about 10 seconds trying to come up with something witty to say in response. I couldn't conjure a single thing except the truth.

As I was explaining the odd truth about the uppertank, I saw their faces go from inquisitive, to absolutely disgusted. After my story about it was over, one of the other girls goes "That is like the sickest thing I've ever heard. Why would ANYone want to do that"?

Besides the fact that I thought it was hilarious, I couldn't think of a real response. I just shrugged my shoulders. She then goes on to say "Remind me to NEVER allow you to come over to my house, or any public place that I'm in. You have a twisted mind dude".

For most of the people I know, the upper tank is an urban legend at best. They find it funny and REALLY odd, but I've never gotten ostracized like that before (except in high school when a teacher threatened to call my parents because I included it into a short story). Basically I was kicked out of the group too. Now I'm going to be known as "that kid" in class. Oh well.

In other news, Mike is not responsible for the California wildfires. I would not rule out a certain Bickle though.

With Halloween coming up, all women will have an excuse to dress as skanky as possible in the spirit of the holiday. Why can't Presidents day have a following like that?? Whats my costume you ask? I have no clear idea yet. It will be offensive and borderline illegal I think. But be careful people. If the Karate Kid has shown us anything, it's that a costume party can turn bad real quick. If you see a guy dressed as a shower mackin' on your honey, just let it go. He's probably cooler than you anyway.

With all the "celebrity" shows on TV, I wish they would have a celebrity battleship show. Who cares about dancing, poker and bull riding? Battleship is dope. Who wouldn't want to watch George Michael battle it out with one of the Fat Boys??

I also had a chance this week to preview Jay-Z's new album "American Gangster". Its pretty much a mix of "The Black Album" and "Blueprint". Its what we've come to expect of the Jigga man in the past 5 years. There are a few notable songs though. There is a REAL cool track with Lil Wayne, and Ignorant Shit is on this album (which was supposed to be on "Kingdom Come"). I just can't believe that the reining "king of rap" picks lame beats most of the time. Once in a while he'll throw us a curve ball and make a really good song over a real hot beat (i.e. Threats). But for the most part, its all Timberland/Neptunes and Kanye beats all over the place. Remember on "In my life...Volume 1" when DJ Premier was on half the tracks?? That was where it was at. But for whatever business reason, Jay has not had a lot of good combos on the albums. But since most of us have heard Roc Boys and Blue Magic already, we've heard 2 of the best songs on the cd. I just long to hear a good Jay/Primo track, or even if he got a few really good guest appearances on the album...Talib, KRS, Fat Joe, Common, Kool Keith or any notable rapper, so long as they come with a good 16. The more random the collaboration, the better (see Common/Lily Allen on "Finding Forever"). But any-who, the album is definitely a pick-er-up. I give it a 7.5/10.

Well, happy semi-Friday/Thursday night yall. Have a good weekend and don't call me. I will be more than busy with fingers and toes.

JB

A slice of pie

So the other day, a friend of mine told me that their co-workers read my piddly attempt at blog humor on a weekly basis. First off, I only assumed about 15-20 people read this (and that's including the people who check this out by accident). But what got to me, was the fact that these people wanted more. MORE, MORE, MORE (picture of an angry clan with pitchforks and torches). But not really more of my tirades, more about me. Oddly enough, I sometimes get sick of me, let alone people wanting to actually know about the smooth-and-cool guy that writes these. So I figured I would give you a slice of the pie the is Jon.
First off, I'm the most un-conventional person you will ever meet. I once wore an 80's-style tank top, cut off jean shorts and flip flops to an engagement party. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world, but Jenn and Mike's family didn't think so. Don't get me wrong, I don't rock those clothes on a daily basis. For the most part, I'm a jeans and shirt kinda guy. I once worked at Daytons, and my gear was fly for about 2 years.
My sense of humor is odd at best. The funniest movie I've ever seen was Full Metal Jacket. I know what you're saying--"But Jon, that's a movie that supposed to depict the hardships of the Vietnam war". Yeah, but remember that fat guy that couldn't climb over the wood wall?? Hilarious...The best shows to ever air on TV are (in no order): Scrubs, The Simpson's, Family Guy, SouthPark, The Office, Arli$$, Golden Girls, Happy Days, Any show with Scott Baio (Except Scott Baio is 45 and Single), The first few season of The Real World, Wings, The Wonder Years, And Andy Griffith. Oh yeah, when I happen to be home, I watch Desperate Housewives (Don't judge, Eva Longoria and Terri Hatcher are hotness).
I'm a nut when it comes to food. I could review restaurants all day and night. One of my favorite pastimes is trying new places too eat. The problem with Minneapolis is that no one likes a place until it becomes trendy and the meals are over priced. Remember Chit-Chat?? One of the best breakfasts around, but no one believed it. Ted Cooks?? Well, everyone EXCEPT Steve have been there and liked it.
On Sunday evenings, you can usually catch me at Barnes and Noble with a coffee spending 2 hours reading through books. Its amazing when you step back and look at it all. Everyone of these books was written for some reason. And that person took their ideas and thoughts, and wrote them down for people to read. Makes me want to finish writing my book. But I keep getting sidetracked with Dawsons Creek reruns, and watching New Jack City.
In the past few years, I've become a big fan of wine. I used to drink Long Islands and Jack n Cokes, but one too many hangovers later, I found out the wonders of wine. Although, nothing is more awkward that sitting in an Irish pub in Duluth (while everyone is drinking beer) and having a glass of wine. But I guess it just comes with being classy.
----A sidenote to this: If you ever get the chance, check out the Riverview Wine Bar (located at 3745 42nd Avenue S.Minneapolis, MN 55406). They have a top notch wine list, and tall boys for those who don't drink wine. Also, some of the best bread/butter mixes I've ever had at a place. They also have "tours" where you can try a few smaller glasses of a similar wine (which you can't find anywhere else). Get there early on Friday/Saturday because it can get pretty busy.
Well, now I must go to the YMCA and do some swimming. I'm a triathlete who doesn't like to do triathlons. So I just train like I'm going to do one, but never really do. Plus it sounds really cool to drop in a conversation "....blah, blah, blah, I'm training for a triathlon".

On a separate vent, the Gophers are awful. Did we trade Hershel Walker again for college football dreams?? We have to have the worst squad I've seen in years. But oddly enough, they might have a shot at beating the Vikings. Now I would actually go to that game, a Gophers/Vikings game. Thank god the Wild are doing well, and my man Corey Brewer is going to bring some new light to the Timberwolves.

A post/sidenote:: As I was at the gym today, hanging out in the sauna, sweating. This guy comes into there (there's about 6 of us sitting in there). He stands by the heater and looks around like he's about to do something. He then decides that it is ok to let off a massive fart and leave. I kid- you- not, I felt it rattle the benches. After he dipped out, I started laughing hysterically while everyone shot me a disgusted look. For the record, that guy and me were not in cahoots. I like the word cahoots. When I finally pull off a heist, I will over-use that word. Keep your noses clean people....

The JB

Friends: How many of us have them?

Thanks Whodini for that snazzy title. But really, I've been throwing around the idea of gaining a few new friends. But to be my friends isn't as easy as a hello here and there. It's tough work. And the trial and error period of the beginning is horrific at best. I've decided that the jock, prep, nerd, hot chick, ugly-chick (but could be hot if she lost the glasses and ponytail), guy that always says "bro", the thug, ethnic stereotype and fat kid have already been filled on my "friends" chart, I'm still missing a few...But if pop culture has shown us anything, it's that having a druggie friend is funny--with a capital F. So I decided that the three funniest types of druggie friends are:

The Crackhead

The Stoner

The Meth-Head

But which one of these lucky chaps will get to kick it with the Johnny B?? Lets find out. Each is give a rating on a scale of 10. (side note--even as I type this, that methhead guy creeps me out).

Scenario 1: Its Sunday morning, I'm throwing a football party and need some comic relief. I give each of these guys a call up Saturday to tell them about it...Here's what will happen.
Stoner-- (Sunday night) "Whoa, I...uh...forgot. I got really into the new Phish album, and I took a nap. Sorry bro. 2/10

Methhead--This guy doesn't even make it to my house. Before he gets to my door, he steals my exhaust off my car and sells it for scrap metal. 0/10

Crackhead--He comes over, drinks all my mouthwash, acts all jittery (which is hilarious), does an on-the-spot-Michael J Fox impression (I'm going to hell...I know), and while my back is turned, steals my stereo. 5/10.

Advantage-Crackhead (at least the guy made it to the party. And they're awesome to watch in a crowd!

Scenario 2. As all movies have shown, being on a lame date sucks. I call each of these guys to bail me out of this nightmare blinddate. Here is how each responds::

Stoner--(the next day) "Whoa, I...uh...forgot. I got really into this Dave Mathewes album and took a nap. Sorry bro...1/10

Methhead-- The guy shows up to the restaurant to pick me up, but before he makes it in, he steals the exhaust off my car and sells it for scrap metal. This guy is really starting to bother me. 0/10.

Crackhead--He walks into the restaurant, sees us at the table and walks over. Before my "date" can say anything, he offers to suck her off for $10. She was so appalled, she ran out the back door of the place crying. Awesome save! She has no idea he was with me, and I'm off free! nice job crackie. 9/10.

Scenario 3. We're hiking up in the mountains. I fall and sprain my ankle. We need to either get help or set up camp and nurse the wound. Here's what happened.

Stoner-- goes for a "walk" and I never see him again. 0/10
Methhead-- gets super hyper and says that he'll carry me out. He runs for about 40 miles straight, and gets me to a hospital with me on his back. That's quite amazing stuff you're on. 9/10.
Crackhead--starts freaking out from all the noises in the woods and starts digging a hole. After a few hours he's convinced that when he gets to the other side, "Them Chinese will will chopstick it". 4/10.

Scenario 4: we're at camp, and the camp across the lake challenges us to a water sport duel (notice the Meatballs 4 theme?).

Stoner--convinces all the kids from the other camp to get high, and they forfeit the competition. Oddly enough, that's good work. 8/10.
Methhead: gets in the water and freaks out at all "this wet stuff". He drowns and dies. I guess that means he's disqualified. Or not--remember how AWESOME weekend at Bernie's was?? All those wacky shenanigans were amazing! I could definitely get down with that. 10/10.

Crackhead--Gets on a jet ski and takes off. He ends up at a pawn shop to sell it......2/10.

Scenario 5: We get stuck in an elevator: what happens next?
Stoner: Freaks out because all the walls are closing in.....2/10
Methhead (who's dead)--somehow manages to get us into a bank where he signs a check for $2,000,00. We dip to Florida and spend the weekend getting into all kinds of sticky situations. Elisabeth Shue shows up too....10/10
Crackhead: Robs me for my watch and wallet. Because we're stuck in the elevator, that makes for a very uncomfortable situation....0/10.

Well, I guess they all have their faults and good qualities. As for now, I will be passing on all three of them. Maybe I can find someone with a bad caffeine addiction for now....

Well, this weekend was horrible. The Cubs got swept, and the Packers are no longer perfect (record wise). Other than that, the twin cities marathon went down, and a whole bunch of people got sick. Thank god I registered too late to run in it. I heard someone died in the Twin Cities and Chicago marathon....not that trill.

I've decided to finally review something related to the Twin Cities. My first thought was "What can I do that is really easy, and I can give a good rating to"? The awnser: Broders pasta bar/restaurant in Minneapolis. They are located directly across the street from one another on 50th and Penn Ave. If you go to the Pasta bar, you will be quickly amazed at the selection of Italian meats and cheese. You can not only get Italian prosciutto, but domestic as well (a courtesy most places wouldn't bother to offer). Among some of the best pasta around, all their meats are cut/sliced right there to order. I highly recommend the pancetta (it has a peppery coating-great for pastas). The meals that are made to order are also top notch. The meatball sandwich is still my top choice, but the spaghetti, lasagna, and array of salads are also taste tinglers. If you make your way across the street to the restaurant, you will find a quaint spot to impress a date. Among the good smells from the open kitchen, you will find some of the most impressive Italian food Minneapolis has to offer. Those looking for fine dining along with those just looking for good food, will both be pleasantly satisfied. Try any pasta dish and you won't regret it. Also, the eggplant is oddly good (I'm not a fan of any kind of eggplant).

In a random thought, how does a song like Crank Dat get to a #1 spot on the music charts?? This has to be one of the worst "rap" songs I've ever heard. Can we not have a rap song with a horrible dance to go along with (i.e. walk it out, crank dat, chicken noodle soup, the macarana aunt jackie etc....)?? If you haven't heard this song, consider yourself lucky. I can't go to any school, performance, public place without a handful of lame-o's trying to "superman it". And another gripe are these white tees that are about 4 sized too big for your body. 3 stacks (aka Andre 3000 of Outkast) said it best on the "Walk it out remix" ..."......And to me that white tee looks like a nightgown/make your mama proud and take that thing 2 sizes down". Granted, I'm no hiphop fashion critic (see photos of me in 6th grade with overalls one--one side hanging down, name shaved into the back of my head, and air jordans on), but some trends are even too lame for me. Obviously there is some good hiphop music out there, it just seems to be getting fewer and farer (is farer a word??) in between. I miss the days of grandmaster flash talking about how tough his life is rather than Hurricane Chris yelling "Ay Bay Bay" at me......I know a lot of people are hating on me because they listen to that constantly, but I'm sorry, that is horrible music.

Hiphop...oh how you've changed....

Into this??

Don't believe the hype

So I was walking through the grocery store the other day, and came upon a cardboard cutout of fiddy-cent himself. Below it, was the slogan "You wanna be like 50? Drink Vitamin Water" I thought to myself...."Do I want to be a super buff black guy who talks kinda funny (for getting SHOT in the face mind you), macks on hot chicks all day, and could shoot you".....yes I do. I noticed there is a special type of Vitamin water called Formula 50. I quickly started drinking it (don't worry, I paid for it). And I had visions of Family Matters in that episode where Urkle builds that machine to make him cool, and it turns into the ever-so-pimp Stephon. Then he got all kinds of chickies. After drinking the water, all I had to do was pee. But then I thought to myself "Hey. maybe everyone ELSE thinks I'm 50, but I just look like myself to me". Yeah, that had to be it. I thought "What would fiddy do"? I walked up to some "hoes" and was like "What up Bi-a-tches"! (cause 50 wouldn't be like--hey young lady, you're looking stunning today, I'd like to take you out for coffee sometime). Apparently, women don't like to be called hoes. And their boyfriends don't like you calling their lady a biatch either. So after getting jumped by 3 guys and their girlfriends (who were all wearing high heels) I've decided to warn the world, that FORMULA 50 MAKES YOU HAVE TO PEE. AND IT WILL NOT TURN YOU INTO A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR RAPPER. It will just turn you into a nerd. I need to find that stupid machine that Urkle had. Then I could be JiggaJon instead of just Jon.


I've also noticed that this is a Twin Cities page, and I haven't reviewed many (or any) things on here...My bad. More to come...trust me.

Whatever happened to Lisa Loeb?? She wrote a whole song about Stay then she just left us. Not that I was a fan of hers, but I have that stupid song stuck in my head. ".....So I, I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up...." I bet she's hanging out in the self help section of Barnes and Noble.

Happy Wednesday yall. Go Cubs.

Greatness comes at 421/422

For those of us who live in Minnesota, we all know about the Packers. Of all the teams within the NFL, the Pack are the Vikings arch-nemesis. They are the Joker to Batman, Lex Luther to Superman, Gargamel to the Smurfs, Zach Morris and AC Slater. But of all the Packers players, Brett Favre is the face and number of Green Bay. There is no question that he is the most legendary quarterback (and probably player) in the NFL right now. Some were lucky enough to be at the Metradome today (cough-cough), and witness the record held by Dan Marino broken. That record was the most touchdowns ever thrown by a quarterback. I gotta give it up to the fans in Minnesota. When that touchdown was thrown, EVERYONE stood up and gave an ovation. An applaud that was long overdue. To see someone of that caliber playing at a level that most thought was long gone, is something to tell your grand kids about. When its all said and done, I don't think Brett will care about the records, but he will care about the game. For those of us who have seen the guy play, you know that there is probably no player that plays with the emotion he does. It truly is something to be amazed at. Feel what you will about the Packers, Brett Favre is a legend that can still go out there and sling it better than most.
A question I've been pondering is why are some teams fans so insanely devoted? Look at the Packers, they could lose every game of the year, and Lambeau would still be sold out. Same with the the Cubs. Why can't we be like that in Minnesota? Granted, I'm calling the kettle black (being a Cubs fan myself), but why don't people in Minnesota rally around their teams like other states? Oddly enough, I've seen way more Cubbies games than Twins. And I've taped every Packers game since 1994, and bought every Sports Illustrated, Time and People magazine with a Packer on the cover.I own more Packers memorabilia than anyone I know, and I actually devoted an entire room in my house to the team. Yeah, I'm sorta lame that way. I've cheered my teams through playoffs, Superbowl's, and horrible losing seasons, but they're still my teams. I've always been a hard Northstars fan, but haven't quite fallen in love with the Wild....but maybe one day.
I just wanted to say big up to the Packers. Its nice win a few games every once in a while. And like I said a few weeks ago--watch out for Adrian Peterson aka the rookie of the year. Lets just hope the green and gold can stay on this pace for the rest of the year. So congrats Brett. 422!

The fast life

So it's been a while since I've done a good post. Actually, it's still going to be a while until I put something worth while on here. I've been busy! So I figured that I'd give you some excuses why I haven't put anything up....

1. Since the Vikings realized that they are one or the worst teams in football, they called me up and asked to play quarterback. I declined (hey, even mr. uppertank has standards).
2. I've been rocking out nonstop to that Wilson Phillips song "Hold on". And REALLY rocking out when the chorus breaks down. Don't you know if you change, things will go your way just hooooold ooooon foooooooor ooooooone moooooooore daaaaaaaaay.
3. I fell down a well
4. I've been following the 50 vs. Kanye battle
5. I'm working on becoming a music critic for Rolling Stone
6. I'm in a coma
7. I lost my fingers in a horrible thumb-wrestling accident.
8. I've joined the new Saved by the Bell cast.
9. I drove to Hollywood to prevent them from making a Warriors remake
10. I'm way too busy with school......

Actually, that last one is pretty much true. It takes up WAY too much time, but hey a $100,000 piece of paper that says "I know a bunch of stuff" might be worth while sometime......

I heard a good quote the other day by Phont-igga from Little Brother "Whats the difference between a rapper and an emcee? Well, when there's no more money in this hiphop biz, the emcees are going to be the only ones spittin''.

On a smaller note, the Bears FINALLY benched Rex-mex Grossman. Maybe they'll win some games now.

As you can probably tell, neither of these pictures have anything to do with the post. I just thought they were funny (hitting women is NOT funny by the way), but the sign is.

Speaking of women, a sportswriter from Oklahoma got snapped on by the coach of Oklahoma state. I say good. Most sportswriters are out of shape know-it-alls that can't play sports to save their lives, yet rip apart a 19 year old kid because he had a bad game. Not to be sexist, but women should not be football writers or stand on the sideline and give their "insights". If you can't play the sport, you shouldn't report on it because you have NO CLUE what really goes on. I say put this lady on the field for 5 minutes and see if she can take a hit......Sorry for the rant.

Peace out yall.

JB!

The best movies you've never seen.

Stickin with the script, I dug up this old classic.--Class Act, starring Kid n Play. This was a cinematic masterpiece. I could put it up there with Casablanca, Citizen Cane, TMNT: Secret of the Ooze and Crossroads (with Ralph Maccio). First of all, whatever happened to these guys?? Their future was so bright and beautiful (they were like the first Damon/Affleck team). But it seems if after 1994, they disappeared...Maybe that's something to explore in the future. But the movie goes like this::

Genius high school student Duncan Pinderhughes (Chris "Kid" Reid) is getting ready for graduation, but is somewhat disheartened to find out that, despite his perfect SAT and 4.0 GPA, Harvard will not admit him unless he passes Phys Ed. Ex-convict Michael "Blade" Brown (Christopher "Play" Martin) is released from jail, and told by his parole officer that the condition of his release is satisfactory graduation from high school. A mishap results in their pictures being swapped on their permanent records. In effect, Blade is surprised to find out that he is being placed in "gifted/brainy" classes, while Duncan is shocked to be placed in minimal classes with substandard conditions and miscreants for classmates.
Blade realizes this, and sees Duncan as his ticket permanently out of jail, since Duncan could pass his classes with ease. He transforms Duncan into a version of himself with dreadlocks, and does his best to teach Duncan how to act and talk like a mac daddy gangsta. Having no grasp of inner city culture, Duncan's parents begin to worry about their son's new "friend"; his father especially, beginning to suspect Duncan is gay
Blade manages to smooth-talk his way through his advanced classes, even successfully executing a dissertation on sexual intercourse (one of his favorite subjects). Duncan ends up running into a high school thug named Wedge, and gets in trouble, but also ends up discovering an uncanny ability to kick field goals, and joins the school's football team. Both Blade and Duncan end up with girlfriends that the other would have, with Blade smooth-talking the intelligent but excitement-seeking Ellen(played by Karyn Parsons aka Hilary Banks from the Fresh Prince), and Duncan being pursued by the wild and thugged out Damita(played by Alysia Rogers.)
Blade ends up getting in trouble with a drug lord that he worked with before his incarceration, and the movie climaxes in a chase involving Blade, Duncan, their girlfriends and one of Blade's buddies. When the girlfriends realize that their men are swapped, both end up dumped. Still, Duncan manages to knock out Wedge, while Blade handles the drug lord, but all end up in jail.
After the mixup is fixed up, Blade, Duncan and company are all set free. In an anti-climax, Duncan and Blade both enter a Brain Bowl in an effort to get Blade back with Ellen. They succeed when Blade answers a tiebreaker question to win the competition, recalling a choice tidbit Ellen once told him. Afterward, both couples end up together. In a final scene, Duncan's dad finds out the hard way that Duncan is definitely not gay by catching him and Damita having sex in Duncan's bedroom.
Walking in each other's shoes dramatically changed the lives of both Duncan and Blade. In the epilogue, the audience learns that Blade graduated from high school and attended college (wearing preppy attire), while Duncan attended Stanford on a football scholarship.
Why can't these guys make another record/movie like House Party 4?? They were awesome hip hop heads who should have teamed up with the Fatboys and made a movie...I guess I'll just keep dreaming.

Besides school, not much has been going on. I had an adventure last weekend that caused me to search for a Redbull for nearly 3 hours....
Someone who's opinion I value told me this, and it made sense. "When you blog, you talk about good stuff Jon. Most people talk about crap no one cares about. They abuse the point of the blog. Just like GURU said "Just because I want to it don't mean I will". Do you think Edison was calling people up right after he invented the telephone, saying "Yo bro, I got so wasted last night and ate a ton of Ramen, then this chick told me a joke"? Hell no. Use it for a purpose, not for some piddly junk that doesn't matter. If-you-had-to-be-there, don't talk about it. Because everyone who wasn't there, is not going to read your crap. Has my cousin seen That Cube Movie? No, but she died laughing at your post. People need to realize that NO ONE cares about your myspace feelings and the lame stories you talk about. Just keep doing what you do, and people will read your nutty tirades".
I felt good after hearing that from him...

For some reason this comic reminds me of me......

So with all of that said, I'm working on a semi-short story for here involving the future, a duck, Bruce Springstien, the 1996 Seattle Supersonics and the Dahl. Its hopefully going to be a good one.

So happy Wednesday people. (Humpday is lame, don't call the sacred Wednesday that).

Whata' prick

The art of being a complete ass comes with much hard work. Some people think you're born with the gift, but it takes much training grasshopper. Its harder than being a Navy SEAL, but easier than your girlfriend....**wait for it.....wait for it....check the "oh snap flowchart:...yes it is. OH SNAP!!! Oh no he didn't! Oh yes I did.** Anyway, there are many pricks in our society. Most of them we love, some we hate, but I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on these great/horrible individuals. Because when you're not the target of the anger, its quite funny...

1. Wile Coyote. C'mone. What did that roadrunner ever do to you? Slept with your girl? Ok, maybe that gives you a little reason to be mad, but years upon years of trying to kill the poor runner?? And honestly, what did you plan to do once you caught him? Cook him? No way, that meat would be horrid. How about hiring a contract killer that doesn't use rockets or anvils, that might work. How about getting a real job, like border patrol. Down in the desert, you're close to the border, so secure it with you wacky security schemes. I say let it go and kill a cartoon that we hate--Hanna Montana (I know she's a real person).


2. Michael Jordan. I know what you're saying. "Whoa, the greatest basketball player EVER?? Why would you put him him on this list"? Because. He retired and came back.....twice. Talk about a dick move. I cried each time. Tugging at ol' Johnnys heart strings like that has a tole. That is why I consider: Christian Laettner, Shawn Kemp, Mugsy Bouges, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Air Bud to be better players than MJ. Why not just stay with the Bulls?? And to try your hand at baseball?? You gotta be kidding me! Now, I'm going to put on my Hanes boxers and my Air Jordans and play some ball...



3. Jamarcus Russell. This guy is why people hate athletes. He basically said "I'm better than what you're going to pay me, so I'm not going to play until you raise my salary". And boom, he got a $30 million deal from the Raiders. Has he played one day in the NFL?? nope. What on earth makes you think you're worth that much?? I can understand an Elway, Montana, Rice, LT (the REAL LT, not Tomlinson), Bo Jackson or anyone of that caliber to say that, but a douche that has done NOTHING, does not deserve that kind of pay day. And to make the team go and sign Daunte Culpepper?? Oh, you are a king of pricks Mr. Russell.




4. Pepe le Peu. I think he falls in the "rapist" category instead of this, but I thought he fit the mold of a prick too. All he does is run around and try to mack on that fine cat who accidentally got a white stripe down her back....how about e-harmony next time there??





5. Bill Romanowski. Just look at this guy, he looks like he looks like he'd kick your ass just for looking at hm sideways. Well, anyway, he got his rocks off from purposely hurting other NFL players. And oddly enough, he brags about it to this day. He also punched a fellow player in the eye, ending his ability to play in the NFL. Talk about ass clowns, this guy takes the cake. I don't think anyone has been in more fights in the league than him...

6. The Care Bears. Oh, you think you're sooooo cool hanging up on your cloud, in your special club that no one can join? Who cares, I'll just hang out down here with my pound puppies and garbage pail kids. I hope the forecast calls for a clear, sunny day, so I don't have to see you colorful freaks anymore. You ruined my childhood. And I can never get that back, no matter how many pills promise "CareBear adventures guaranteed"....



7. The 2007 Minnesota Twins. How many seasons can we get right on the brink of the playoffs and then lose? It seems every year this happens. These guys are pricks. Toying with my hopes and emotions (*flashback of Big Perm in Friday saying "You're toying with my emotions Smokey!!!"*). Look at this photo closely. Notice #20-Lew Ford looking like he wants so badly to jump in the crowd, and the rest of the team won't let him-- having fun without him...poor Lew. I'd bet that Torii Hunter will be gone at the end of the year, and who can blame him?? Also, I'd almost bet that Santana will also be leaving. Mauer will get hurt, and Morneau will start to flop and still never smile. That leaves us with Neshek, Lew Ford and Baker-the- homerun -maker to bring home the title...so I guess we shouldn't hold our breath.

In other news, the Vikings won. There's no surprise there. They beat one of the worst teams in the NFL. But despite how weak the Vikings are, Adrian Peterson should be the rookie of the year (if he stays healthy). and I'm making my prediction for them to end up at 8-8, and maybe having a wildcard chance at the end. We'll see how they fair against the Lions. I've always been a Viking -hater since the Hershel Walker trade, and until they get a real quarterback and an outside stadium, I don't see that changing. And the Packers beat one of the better teams in the NFL in the Eagles. Way to go 4. Favre now ties Elway with the most career wins. And I'm looking for him to become #1 in all time touchdowns, yards, attempts and interceptions this season. No one can say they hold most TD's and int's....thats pretty hardcore. Peace out yall, and happy Tuesday.

-the original Jon B

Greatest movies of all time: Part 2

Meatballs 4. What did you think, I was going to put Titanic, Forrest Gump, or Gone with the Wind?? Hell no, those movies sucked. Honestly, I could watch this movie over and over. Ritchie would actually rent this movie like twice a month. As you can see from the cover, its all about summer fun, ladies, a fat guy with a camera and Corey Feldman. "There's only thing wilder, crazier and sexier than last summer--THIS summer". Wow. How could you not rent this flick?!?!?

What about the other installments of Meatballs? I dunno, I do know that Bill Murray was in the first one, and the other 2 were never really made. I think they started making them and they turned into the Jason flicks.

The plot goes like this: Ricky (Feldman) is the hottest water-ski instructor around and he has just be rehired by his former employer/camp to whip up attendance. But the camp is in serious financial trouble and the owner of a rival, more popular, camp wants to buy them out. Therefore they will have to engage in a mean, winner-takes-all ski competition that will settle the row once and for all. Hilarity ensues. I can't remember most of the details, but I do know that it is one of the greatest 80's flicks (even though it came out in 92) ever created. All the wonderful stereotypes are there. Can Feldman bring this gang of dweebs up to par against the hot new camp across the lake?? Watch to find out! The reason I don't remember most of the movie is because I laughed the whole way through. This movie is the definition of craptastic.

I also found this sign in a store in St. Paul. You know you're in Minnesota when......

These Cyanide comics are dope. They make me laugh because they remind me of myself (not this one though).













Have you ever served someone, but weren't really sure if you did it or not? This flowchart will help you out. I carry a card-sized version in my wallet for the important occasions.

Well, I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. If you live in/by/around 35W, your weekend probably sucked. Thanks MnDot. I will get my revenge when I get that flux capacitor working....