Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloweeeeeenies

Happy Halloween people.

So yesterday, I'm eating my breakfast skipping over channels and I come upon The Morning Show with Mike and Julie. Besides the fact that Julie is a hottie, the show is really boring. But anyway, they had a story of "A new phenomenon that is sweeping the nation--freak dancing". What?? New?? Didn't we have a song called bump and grind that everyone was grinding too in the early 90's?? I remember grinding with ladies in the 7th grade at dances. Who wrote this show, someone who was born in 1992? Oh, and let us not forget they made a movie about it.....Nobody puts Baby in the corner (but someone sure did put the both of them on the D-list of Hollywood celebrities).

On another note, Blender magazine let out their list of 50 worst lyricists in music. Guess who made the list?? That guy from Creed, Smashing Pumpkins, Fred Durst...etc. Ok, Ok, I can accept these guys, but Common also made the list--insert the "what?!?" face here. Lets face it, the guy is probably one of the best rappers out. What was Blenders reason for inserting Mr Common Sense in the list??? "Never trust a rapper who wears a sweater vest". I also don't trust rock magazines who try to critique hiphop. What did they say was Commons worst lyric?? “I’m your worst nightmare squared/That’s double for niggas who ain’t mathematically aware” (“Making a Name for Ourselves”). Maybe they should have done a check on who spit that line......Canibus. Sure it was on the Common album, but it was the Bus who kicked it......

And the teacha' made the list. Thats right, KRS ONE is on the list for worst lyricists. Maybe they should have thrown Rakim, Big Daddy Kane and Kool G Rap in there too. Really?? KRS?? The reason?? "See, cows live under fear and stress/Trying to think what’s gonna happen next/Fear and stress can become a part of you/In your cells and blood, this is true” (“Beef”). Granted, Diddy made the list (which should be a given), but not KRS..The same guy who gave us The Bridge is Over, Criminal Minded, and Jimmy cannot be on any list which talks about bad lyrics. I get it, the guy does make some corny lines sometimes, but you skipped over Soulja Boy, Mase,95% of the Bad Boy label, No Limit Soldiers and Coolio to put KRS on this list??

so keep your kids safe tonight, and watch out for JB the bag snatcher!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

When your mouth moves faster than your brain.



So here's a rather odd story that happened to me today. I'm at school, working with a group on some lame project. I'm sorta daydreaming in and out of the conversation. And then I hear this girl say "...I was wiping, and my sleeve got a little poo on it, and it smelled for like 4 hours. I didn't realize what the smell was coming from until I got home. That's like the funniest and most embarrassing thing I have ever done". Just then, I return to un-daydreaming and say "That's cool, but not uppertank cool". As I was saying this, I didn't think anything was wrong until I got to "but not...." As I was talking, my brain ran to grab the emergency off button. I had visions of Homer Simpson in a nuclear meltdown running around frantic, looking for the ANY key. Obviously it didn't get to it in time. I knew as soon as I said uppertank, I was going to have to explain it. Of course, the 4 girls look at me and one says "Whats an uppertank"? I sat there for about 10 seconds trying to come up with something witty to say in response. I couldn't conjure a single thing except the truth.

As I was explaining the odd truth about the uppertank, I saw their faces go from inquisitive, to absolutely disgusted. After my story about it was over, one of the other girls goes "That is like the sickest thing I've ever heard. Why would ANYone want to do that"?








Besides the fact that I thought it was hilarious, I couldn't think of a real response. I just shrugged my shoulders. She then goes on to say "Remind me to NEVER allow you to come over to my house, or any public place that I'm in. You have a twisted mind dude".

For most of the people I know, the upper tank is an urban legend at best. They find it funny and REALLY odd, but I've never gotten ostracized like that before
(except in high school when a teacher threatened to call my parents because I included it into a short story). Basically I was kicked out of the group too. Now I'm going to be known as "that kid" in class. Oh well.

In other news, Mike is not responsible for the California wildfires. I would not rule out a certain Bickle though.

With Halloween coming up, all women will have an excuse to dress as skanky as possible in the spirit of the holiday. Why can't Presidents day have a following like that?? Whats my costume you ask? I have no clear idea yet. It will be offensive and borderline illegal I think. But be careful people. If the Karate Kid has shown us anything, it's that a costume party can turn bad real quick. If you see a guy dressed as a shower mackin' on your honey, just let it go. He's probably cooler than you anyway.

With all the "celebrity" shows on TV, I wish they would have a celebrity battleship show. Who cares about dancing, poker and bull riding? Battleship is dope. Who wouldn't want to watch George Michael battle it out with one of the Fat Boys??

I also had a chance this week to preview Jay-Z's new album "American Gangster". Its pretty much a mix of "The Black Album" and "Blueprint". Its what we've come to expect of the Jigga man in the past 5 years. There are a few notable songs though. There is a REAL cool track with Lil Wayne, and Ignorant Shit is on this album (which was supposed to be on "Kingdom Come"). I just can't believe that the reining "king of rap" picks lame beats most of the time. Once in a while he'll throw us a curve ball and make a really good song over a real hot beat (i.e. Threats). But for the most part, its all Timberland/Neptunes and Kanye beats all over the place. Remember on "In my life...Volume 1" when DJ Premier was on half the tracks?? That was where it was at. But for whatever business reason, Jay has not had a lot of good combos on the albums. But since most of us have heard Roc Boys and Blue Magic already, we've heard 2 of the best songs on the cd. I just long to hear a good Jay/Primo track, or even if he got a few really good guest appearances on the album...Talib, KRS, Fat Joe, Common, Kool Keith or any notable rapper, so long as they come with a good 16. The more random the collaboration, the better (see Common/Lily Allen on "Finding Forever"). But any-who, the album is definitely a pick-er-up. I give it a 7.5/10.

Well, happy semi-Friday/Thursday night yall. Have a good weekend and don't call me. I will be more than busy with fingers and toes.

JB

Monday, October 22, 2007

A slice of pie


So the other day, a friend of mine told me that their co-workers read my piddly attempt at blog humor on a weekly basis. First off, I only assumed about 15-20 people read this (and that's including the people who check this out by accident). But what got to me, was the fact that these people wanted more. MORE, MORE, MORE (picture of an angry clan with pitchforks and torches). But not really more of my tirades, more about me. Oddly enough, I sometimes get sick of me, let alone people wanting to actually know about the smooth-and-cool guy that writes these. So I figured I would give you a slice of the pie the is Jon.
First off, I'm the most un-conventional person you will ever meet. I once wore an 80's-style tank top, cut off jean shorts and flip flops to an engagement party. I thought it was the funniest thing in the world, but Jenn and Mike's family didn't think so. Don't get me wrong, I don't rock those clothes on a daily basis. For the most part, I'm a jeans and shirt kinda guy. I once worked at Daytons, and my gear was fly for about 2 years.
My sense of humor is odd at best. The funniest movie I've ever seen was Full Metal Jacket. I know what you're saying--"But Jon, that's a movie that supposed to depict the hardships of the Vietnam war". Yeah, but remember that fat guy that couldn't climb over the wood wall?? Hilarious...The best shows to ever air on TV are (in no order): Scrubs, The Simpson's, Family Guy, SouthPark, The Office, Arli$$, Golden Girls, Happy Days, Any show with Scott Baio (Except Scott Baio is 45 and Single), The first few season of The Real World, Wings, The Wonder Years, And Andy Griffith. Oh yeah, when I happen to be home, I watch Desperate Housewives (Don't judge, Eva Longoria and Terri Hatcher are hotness).
I'm a nut when it comes to food. I could review restaurants all day and night. One of my favorite pastimes is trying new places too eat. The problem with Minneapolis is that no one likes a place until it becomes trendy and the meals are over priced. Remember Chit-Chat?? One of the best breakfasts around, but no one believed it. Ted Cooks?? Well, everyone EXCEPT Steve have been there and liked it.
On Sunday evenings, you can usually catch me at Barnes and Noble with a coffee spending 2 hours reading through books. Its amazing when you step back and look at it all. Everyone of these books was written for some reason. And that person took their ideas and thoughts, and wrote them down for people to read. Makes me want to finish writing my book. But I keep getting sidetracked with Dawsons Creek reruns, and watching New Jack City.
In the past few years, I've become a big fan of wine. I used to drink Long Islands and Jack n Cokes, but one too many hangovers later, I found out the wonders of wine. Although, nothing is more awkward that sitting in an Irish pub in Duluth (while everyone is drinking beer) and having a glass of wine. But I guess it just comes with being classy.
----A sidenote to this: If you ever get the chance, check out the Riverview Wine Bar (located at 3745 42nd Avenue S.Minneapolis, MN 55406). They have a top notch wine list, and tall boys for those who don't drink wine. Also, some of the best bread/butter mixes I've ever had at a place. They also have "tours" where you can try a few smaller glasses of a similar wine (which you can't find anywhere else). Get there early on Friday/Saturday because it can get pretty busy.
Well, now I must go to the YMCA and do some swimming. I'm a triathlete who doesn't like to do triathlons. So I just train like I'm going to do one, but never really do. Plus it sounds really cool to drop in a conversation "....blah, blah, blah, I'm training for a triathlon".

On a separate vent, the Gophers are awful. Did we trade Hershel Walker again for college football dreams?? We have to have the worst squad I've seen in years. But oddly enough, they might have a shot at beating the Vikings. Now I would actually go to that game, a Gophers/Vikings game. Thank god the Wild are doing well, and my man Corey Brewer is going to bring some new light to the Timberwolves.

A post/sidenote:: As I was at the gym today, hanging out in the sauna, sweating. This guy comes into there (there's about 6 of us sitting in there). He stands by the heater and looks around like he's about to do something. He then decides that it is ok to let off a massive fart and leave. I kid- you- not, I felt it rattle the benches. After he dipped out, I started laughing hysterically while everyone shot me a disgusted look. For the record, that guy and me were not in cahoots. I like the word cahoots. When I finally pull off a heist, I will over-use that word. Keep your noses clean people....

The JB

Monday, October 8, 2007

Friends: How many of us have them?

Thanks Whodini for that snazzy title. But really, I've been throwing around the idea of gaining a few new friends. But to be my friends isn't as easy as a hello here and there. It's tough work. And the trial and error period of the beginning is horrific at best. I've decided that the jock, prep, nerd, hot chick, ugly-chick (but could be hot if she lost the glasses and ponytail), guy that always says "bro", the thug, ethnic stereotype and fat kid have already been filled on my "friends" chart, I'm still missing a few...But if pop culture has shown us anything, it's that having a druggie friend is funny--with a capital F. So I decided that the three funniest types of druggie friends are:




The Crackhead









The Stoner













The Meth-Head


But which one of these lucky chaps will get to kick it with the Johnny B?? Lets find out. Each is give a rating on a scale of 10. (side note--even as I type this, that methhead guy creeps me out).

Scenario 1: Its Sunday morning, I'm throwing a football party and need some comic relief. I give each of these guys a call up Saturday to tell them about it...Here's what will happen.
Stoner-- (Sunday night) "Whoa, I...uh...forgot. I got really into the new Phish album, and I took a nap. Sorry bro. 2/10
Methhead--This guy doesn't even make it to my house. Before he gets to my door, he steals my exhaust off my car and sells it for scrap metal. 0/10
Crackhead--He comes over, drinks all my mouthwash, acts all jittery (which is hilarious), does an on-the-spot-Michael J Fox impression (I'm going to hell...I know), and while my back is turned, steals my stereo. 5/10.
Advantage-Crackhead (at least the guy made it to the party. And they're awesome to watch in a crowd!

Scenario 2. As all movies have shown, being on a lame date sucks. I call each of these guys to bail me out of this nightmare blinddate. Here is how each responds::

Stoner--(the next day) "Whoa, I...uh...forgot. I got really into this Dave Mathewes album and took a nap. Sorry bro...1/10
Methhead-- The guy shows up to the restaurant to pick me up, but before he makes it in, he steals the exhaust off my car and sells it for scrap metal. This guy is really starting to bother me. 0/10.
Crackhead--He walks into the restaurant, sees us at the table and walks over. Before my "date" can say anything, he offers to suck her off for $10. She was so appalled, she ran out the back door of the place crying. Awesome save! She has no idea he was with me, and I'm off free! nice job crackie. 9/10.

Scenario 3. We're hiking up in the mountains. I fall and sprain my ankle. We need to either get help or set up camp and nurse the wound. Here's what happened.

Stoner-- goes for a "walk" and I never see him again. 0/10
Methhead-- gets super hyper and says that he'll carry me out. He runs for about 40 miles straight, and gets me to a hospital with me on his back. That's quite amazing stuff you're on. 9/10.
Crackhead--starts freaking out from all the noises in the woods and starts digging a hole. After a few hours he's convinced that when he gets to the other side, "Them Chinese will will chopstick it". 4/10.


Scenario 4: we're at camp, and the camp across the lake challenges us to a water sport duel (notice the Meatballs 4 theme?).

Stoner--convinces all the kids from the other camp to get high, and they forfeit the competition. Oddly enough, that's good work. 8/10.
Methhead: gets in the water and freaks out at all "this wet stuff". He drowns and dies. I guess that means he's disqualified. Or not--remember how AWESOME weekend at Bernie's was?? All those wacky shenanigans were amazing! I could definitely get down with that. 10/10.
Crackhead--Gets on a jet ski and takes off. He ends up at a pawn shop to sell it......2/10.

Scenario 5: We get stuck in an elevator: what happens next?
Stoner: Freaks out because all the walls are closing in.....2/10
Methhead (who's dead)--somehow manages to get us into a bank where he signs a check for $2,000,00. We dip to Florida and spend the weekend getting into all kinds of sticky situations. Elisabeth Shue shows up too....10/10
Crackhead: Robs me for my watch and wallet. Because we're stuck in the elevator, that makes for a very uncomfortable situation....0/10.

Well, I guess they all have their faults and good qualities. As for now, I will be passing on all three of them. Maybe I can find someone with a bad caffeine addiction for now....



Well, this weekend was horrible. The Cubs got swept, and the Packers are no longer perfect (record wise). Other than that, the twin cities marathon went down, and a whole bunch of people got sick. Thank god I registered too late to run in it. I heard someone died in the Twin Cities and Chicago marathon....not that trill.







I've decided to finally review something related to the Twin Cities. My first thought was "What can I do that is really easy, and I can give a good rating to"? The awnser: Broders pasta bar/restaurant in Minneapolis. They are located directly across the street from one another on 50th and Penn Ave. If you go to the Pasta bar, you will be quickly amazed at the selection of Italian meats and cheese. You can not only get Italian prosciutto, but domestic as well (a courtesy most places wouldn't bother to offer). Among some of the best pasta around, all their meats are cut/sliced right there to order. I highly recommend the pancetta (it has a peppery coating-great for pastas). The meals that are made to order are also top notch. The meatball sandwich is still my top choice, but the spaghetti, lasagna, and array of salads are also taste tinglers. If you make your way across the street to the restaurant, you will find a quaint spot to impress a date. Among the good smells from the open kitchen, you will find some of the most impressive Italian food Minneapolis has to offer. Those looking for fine dining along with those just looking for good food, will both be pleasantly satisfied. Try any pasta dish and you won't regret it. Also, the eggplant is oddly good (I'm not a fan of any kind of eggplant).

In a random thought, how does a song like Crank Dat get to a #1 spot on the music charts?? This has to be one of the worst "rap" songs I've ever heard. Can we not have a rap song with a horrible dance to go along with (i.e. walk it out, crank dat, chicken noodle soup, the macarana aunt jackie etc....)?? If you haven't heard this song, consider yourself lucky. I can't go to any school, performance, public place without a handful of lame-o's trying to "superman it". And another gripe are these white tees that are about 4 sized too big for your body. 3 stacks (aka Andre 3000 of Outkast) said it best on the "Walk it out remix" ..."......And to me that white tee looks like a nightgown/make your mama proud and take that thing 2 sizes down". Granted, I'm no hiphop fashion critic (see photos of me in 6th grade with overalls one--one side hanging down, name shaved into the back of my head, and air jordans on), but some trends are even too lame for me. Obviously there is some good hiphop music out there, it just seems to be getting fewer and farer (is farer a word??) in between. I miss the days of grandmaster flash talking about how tough his life is rather than Hurricane Chris yelling "Ay Bay Bay" at me......I know a lot of people are hating on me because they listen to that constantly, but I'm sorry, that is horrible music.








Hiphop...oh how you've changed....






Into this??

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Don't believe the hype


So I was walking through the grocery store the other day, and came upon a cardboard cutout of fiddy-cent himself. Below it, was the slogan "You wanna be like 50? Drink Vitamin Water" I thought to myself...."Do I want to be a super buff black guy who talks kinda funny (for getting SHOT in the face mind you), macks on hot chicks all day, and could shoot you".....yes I do. I noticed there is a special type of Vitamin water called Formula 50. I quickly started drinking it (don't worry, I paid for it). And I had visions of Family Matters in that episode where Urkle builds that machine to make him cool, and it turns into the ever-so-pimp Stephon. Then he got all kinds of chickies. After drinking the water, all I had to do was pee. But then I thought to myself "Hey. maybe everyone ELSE thinks I'm 50, but I just look like myself to me". Yeah, that had to be it. I thought "What would fiddy do"? I walked up to some "hoes" and was like "What up Bi-a-tches"! (cause 50 wouldn't be like--hey young lady, you're looking stunning today, I'd like to take you out for coffee sometime). Apparently, women don't like to be called hoes. And their boyfriends don't like you calling their lady a biatch either. So after getting jumped by 3 guys and their girlfriends (who were all wearing high heels) I've decided to warn the world, that FORMULA 50 MAKES YOU HAVE TO PEE. AND IT WILL NOT TURN YOU INTO A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR RAPPER. It will just turn you into a nerd. I need to find that stupid machine that Urkle had. Then I could be JiggaJon instead of just Jon.


I've also noticed that this is a Twin Cities page, and I haven't reviewed many (or any) things on here...My bad. More to come...trust me.

Whatever happened to Lisa Loeb?? She wrote a whole song about Stay then she just left us. Not that I was a fan of hers, but I have that stupid song stuck in my head. ".....So I, I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up...." I bet she's hanging out in the self help section of Barnes and Noble.

Happy Wednesday yall. Go Cubs.