Back to those good days.

As you get older you tend to not do the cool things anymore. Well bump that. I decided that I need to start doing things that I used to. Regardless of age or repercussions, I'm going to start re-living the good points of my younger days. The good thing is that I won't make the same mistakes twice (like thinking I can jump from one branch of a tree to a different tree). So with that in mind I'm going to leave you with: Jon B, the rreeeeeemiiiiiixxxxxxx.


1. Bag snatching. Remember those times you were out trick or treating with your little friends? One of you was a vampire, one a princess, one was a calculator, and all of a sudden, those older kids jumped out of a bush at you and took your Halloween bag. Well just think how scared you would be if a 25-year old kid took your bag? That would be cool. I could be dressed as a ninja or Mel Gibson from Braveheart. I would steal your bag and run. Then brag to my friends that I got you! Beware kids....Beware.

2. Eating paste. I never really got to enjoy the taste of glue or paste as a youngin', but I should have. Even though the kids who DID eat paste, are now high school dropouts or working as college professors at my school. How awesome would it be if we were at a restaurant, and you were like "Hey Jon, you want some cheese fries"? And I would be like "No thanks, I got some paste"......That would bring my cool level up at least 2 points. I could even put it as a condiment for my brunches.......oh the possibilities.


3. Picking your nose in public. I mean REAL public, like at dinner, a first date, a wedding, work, school, whatever. Most of us (and by most, I mean ALL) pick our nose while we drive. We think we're in a world of our own, but we're not. Kids can pick the nose any time of day or night, and its "cute". But when I do it, I hear "Jon, get your finger out of your nose and finish your job interview". Sometimes you got an itch, or a few "bats hanging in the cave" and you gotta do something about it. But alas, society has put a stigma on the rubbing of the rim.....I say screw that. In fact, this paragraph took me a half hour to type because one finger stayed in my nose, while the other hand typed.



4. Bed wetting. Think of all the time you waste just getting out of your bed to relieve yourself. All I gotta do now, is just go. Sure the lady of the house might not like it, but maybe I can just do it on my side of the bed. And if Billy Madison taught us anything (besides Adam Sandler sucks), is that it's "cool to pee your pants". So next time you drink too much water before snooze time, don't panic, just relax and dream of water hoses and rivers.......ahhh.


5. Eating food you don't like. If you didn't like your vegetables, you threw a fit and didn't eat em'. Now, if you go to someones house and the food sucks, you still eat it and tell them its good. Now you're screwed because they're going to have you over again for that nasty prison food they call dinner. Next time, just mash all your food together in one pile, throw your fork across the room and cross your arms. That should get the point through.....


6. Hide and Seek. And we wonder why some people become stalkers as they grow up. But the re-vamp of the game (hunter and the hunted) was a game we all enjoyed on the block of Dan C. It was dope. But how much cooler would it be for an old lady to look out her window at 11pm, and see a few 20-something people hiding in your trees and under your deck in the name of a game?? I for one would love to get a group of people together for a game and rock that out. The best part was, if there was someone you didn't like, you told them to go hide, and you would look for them. But you just went inside and played Mario or something, while they tried to hide for hours.....classic.

On an unrelated note, school starts this week...I'm in no hurry to get back into that routine. I felt like punching a girl the other day because she was a 21-year old senior at college...I'm 25 and almost a senior. I'm on the ten-year plan I think......
And Labor Day was pretty good. I caught a good sized Pike up at the lake. So even though its Tuesday--I'll say happy Monday (because it feels like one).



Check out this artical about a bunch of guys who wish they were ninjas.... http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070831/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_china_ninja

If I weren't so real.

So lets face it, real life women are pretty much the best thing to ever happen to guys. If there were no women around, we woudn't be here. So with that in mind, thank your wife, girlfriend, mother, and grandmother for putting up with all your wackiness through the years.....But if we were cartoons, we obviously would be a whole lot different. So I was pondering the type of cartoon chick I'd like to date. It wasn't easy. This isn't a list of a countdown, it's just a list. The first criteria for said list, is that they have to be created as a cartoon. I've seen plenty of shows where Sophia Lauren was drawn into the toon. That doesn't count. These ladies have to be created for the sake of cartoon hotness. So lets peep em out.

1. April Oneil. As a kid, probably your first exposure to hot chicks was this lady. She got to kick it with the ninja turtles! But in real life, lets look at this:: She hung out in the sewer with mutated amphibians and a rat....sounds a little odd to me. But hey, I got a thing for tight yellow rainsuits. She was ALWAYS down to run to the pizza shop and get it for them. Definitly sounds like my kinda lady! But in turn, when we went to bring her to real life (See Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), She turns into one of the ugliest people ever.......Case and point--Judith Hoag. You mean to tell me that you couldn't find ANY semi-hot looking lady to play this role?? Again, see my point of "America Losing" including un-smooth looking ladies in leading roles. Corey Feldman was also in this movie. I'm sure if they asked him, he could pull a few strings and get Elizabeth Shue or Heather Grahm to play the part.....If I remember right, she never wore the jumpsuit in the movie either.


#2 Belle. C'mone, this chick is smoking. Lets skip the fact that she is down with interspecies erotica, she is a catch! Hell, her name even means beautiful. I don't remember the plot to the movie. I just remember that the Beast had some anger management issues and a fetish with beating women, and there was a really annoying talking candle. I'd grow my hair all-stevedahlish to pull a girlie like this....why does April Oneil and Belle rock the yellow suits?? Maybe I just dig yellow....hmm, that's a thought to ponder.


#3. Lurleen Lumpkin. Any chick that's down to get with Homer J Simpson obviously has self- esteem issues, and that means my kind of girl! If I remember right, she only made a brief appearance on the Simpsons, but it was a great one. She strolled into town as a hick country singer who needed a manager and someone to "manage her" (you like the sexual innuendo? me too). So anyway, she tries to steal colonel Homers heart, but the goof goes for his big blue haired lady (who as you can see did NOT make the list because she is very un-goodlooking). Anyway, Lurleen wrote a song called "I wanna bunk with you tonight", and I'm sure she wasn't talking about bunk beds at summer camp. From what I hear she is set to return for the shows 19th season.

#4. Daria. Um.....actually, I don't know how she got on here. She sorta reminds me of a T.A. I had a crush on, but she's not all that hot.... Maybe she would be hot if she lost the glasses, put on some makeup, got some clothes.....or not. Actually, just forget I put this one on here. I don't need you all thinking I'm some weirdo who has a thing for social outcast girls who never laugh or smile.





#5 Princess Jasmine. Lets just say that she could rub my genie lamp all night. giggity-gigity-goo! But lets be for real. She is a super hottie that Disney brought us again. I guess the only thing I didn't like about her was that pet tiger. OK that's cool for about 2 minutes, but then what if that thing goes all Siegfried and Roy on you?? Then you're in the hostpital getting help from JD and Turk. No dice. But what if you did get with this girl? She owns the whole country! That's pretty cool, except for the fact its Egypt. And there are NO WATER PAKS there. So I would be very unhappy. But she is pretty dope. You have to admit it.....


#6. Jane Jetson. Probably one of the most slept on hotties in cartoon world. A possible downside? She's a money grubbing whoer (yes who-er). Remember in the opening of that show, Mr. Jetson goes to give her like $100, and she takes the wallet instead?? I'd a kicked her to the curb. And in a flying car, the curb is a LOOOOONG way down. So she would probably die. So that might not be the best option. Most of you are saying "but why not the daughter?? Because she has silver hair. What is she, a robot?? No thank you, just let me savor the milf.


#7. Jessica Rabbit. Whats with chicks and interspecies erotica?? Anyway,
I'm pretty sure I can look past all of that. In all of the world of cartoons, she has to be the hottest. Except that voice. Sure it might sound good over the phone when you're sitting by yourself in your parents basement playing Contra, yelling "up,up,down,down,left,right,left,right,a,b,select,start", but would it really be all that great introducing her to your mother? Probably not. And I'm pretty sure she's a half-pirate with one eye. But she's a hottie. Plain and simple.............



#8 . Lois Griffin. One of the funniest skits on the Family Guy was when Lois has a flashback to the time she slept will all the members of Midnight Dixie Runners at once. As she gets out of bed and leaves the band, the lead singer says "Hey, that girl just gave me a great idea for a song....what was here name?...Ilene?". How can one lady be so skanky and never get with the Quagmire?? But lets put her escapades aside and admire how incredibly hot Lois is. And really, Peter is cool and all, but how does he keep a lady like this?? And how did Meg turn out so ugly?? Oh well, some questions are never able to be answered. But there's something about her giggle that tickles my fancy.....


#9. Minnie Mouse. What a cutie this one is. So much in fact, I had to meet her firsthand! But really, I have a hard time believing that she's a mouse. A rat? Maybe....Mice don't get that big, but rats do. Oh well, I still hold the belief that Minnie Mouse is still one hot cartoon female. Maybe Mickey should spend less time with Goofy and Pluto, and spending a little quality time with the misses.



#10. Smufette. Talk about a new meaning to blue balls. But I always wondered....with all those smurfs, and ONE female, who was sleeping with who?? But all in all, this foxy smurf was a tease. Look at her in that white dress and blond hair..but the least she could do was wear some socks. Do you really think she was a one-smuf-woman?? Heck no, she was flaunting her stuff all over that mushroom housing complex. Later, they introduced Saussette Smurfling (who was an ugly chick smurf with freckles) to try and steal the light from Smurfette. I think Smurfette pulled out Saussettes' weave and kicked her with her high heels or something like that. The ONLY people that could mack on Smurfette in that section 8 mushroom village were: Hefty Smurf (because he was all buff and had a heart tattoo that said "mom" on his arm), Gargamel (because he was a real person and chicks dig the hermit type), or Poet smurf (because he's dope with the poems and is all sensitive to a womans needs and stuff).


#11. Tinkerbell. If she were only about 5 feet taller......Tink was one hot cartoon. Look at those saucy lips (also she always is wearing lipstick--kinda odd if you ask me). She spent her days hanging around NeverNeverLand with the Lostboys. I bet all she wanted was Peter Pan to grow up and maybe take her out to a nice Italian restaurant or to see The Notebook or something smooth like that. But no, she spent her days with the lame lost boys and Rufio (who COULD have been cool, except he seemed to be all about his skateboarding and not the ladies. Again, when tinkerbell was made into a person for a movie, who did they cast? Jenny Mcarthy? Meg Ryan? Molly Ringwold?? Nope. Juila Roberts! Horses don't have as big of mouths as hers........What a horrible choice. Damn you Hollywood.





#12. Princess Toadstool. Ok, so maybe not the most realistic looking woman on the list, but whom among us didn't spend HOURS UPON HOURS trying to save this woman?? I know I did. I would have done anything for her love--swam among jellyfish, fought giant lizards named Koopa, run among worlds filled with ice, broken bricks with my bare hands to get coins (maybe Mario was just a hobo??), shot fire from my palms after getting that flower, and played those stupid slot machines at the end of the levels just to meet this woman.....sigh. But trust me, I never played with her in Super Mario 2 because she was weak at picking up stuff--never mind the fact that she could fly......



#15. Wonder Woman. I'm not sure if she's a cartoon or not. She was created as a comic, so I guess she fits the criteria for this. Man, wonderwoman was hot. And she's actually pretty realistic as far as drawings go. The only downside to hanging with this chick like Mister Cooper (remember that show?? that was great...sorry sidetracked)...but anyway, her stupid rope of truth. She would be like "Where were you last night? I'd be like "Oh, I just hung out with the guys.....got some food and watched Montell". She'd throw that rope around you and the truth comes out ..."Actually, Steve Dahl, and Scary Drew and me went to the U of M farm fields and stole a bunch of corn, then we started a fire in the Metradome and made the biggest popcorn ball of all time. We then went to a water park and peed in the pool"......That would suck to have a woman that could do that to you! But that doesn't hid the fact that she's a 10.

I really want to watch Over the Top with Sylvester Stallone as an armwrestling truck driver....then to top it off, a midnight showing of Vision Quest....Man, that would be the TRILLEST!! Till' next time...happy Monday.

-JB

Bring it back

I'm old school. And not like that wacky movie with Luke Wilson, but REAL old school. I've been a victim to just about every trend that has crossed my way since by birth. I styled my hair like the Corys', wore my clothes backwards, owned a five-finger ring, played pogs, wore L.A. Gears and BK Knights, tried to skateboard, and Stabbed my ex-wife and her boyfriend (no, wait...I don't think ANYONE followed the O.J. trend). But remember those awesome sayings from back in the day?? Neither do I. That's why I'm re-birthing them. These were sayings and phrases that made our lives a little better. These sayings could get you out of a tough situation (or into one).

Old school saying 1- Talk to the hand. When you just couldn't hear another word from that annoying person sitting across from you, just put up your hand and say "Talk to the hand". Its perfect. It shows the other person how incredibly lame they are, AND your hand can do all the listening! Its a win/win. There are many variations to the statement, like "talk to the elbow cause you ain't worth the extention". Classic.......

OSS 2- Surfing the web. What are you, Patrick Swayze in Point Break mixed with Spiderman?? I didn't think so. So what the hell is surfing the web? Actually, this saying is kinda pointless, so why bring it back??

OSS 3- Babydaddy- That is something I hope to never be....someones babydaddy. Remember that song "Who that is--its just my babydaddy"..What crap. I should Limewire that song and see if its for real, or something I just made up in my head.....

OSS 4- No Doy--Wow. I don't ever remember saying this one myself, but I sure did hear it a lot. I don't even know where it came from. But as you remember, its the same as saying Duh (which is just another dead word in our dictionary). I'll use it in a sentance:: "Yo Jon, them cheese fries are the best" Me-"No Doy"....Now I will go back to never using that word again.

OSS 5- All that and a bag of chips--Really? AND a bag of chips?? That must be pretty damn awesome. Why not all that and a snowcone? or all that and a lampshade? Something just strikes a chord with us as a bag of chips. Remember that horrible band Color Me Badd? I think they even had a song devoted to that....maybe I'll google it.

OSS 6--Your mom--In my opinion, the best saying ever. If you ever wanted to offend someone, just slip this into a conversation::
Bob "you suck at baseball"
Me "Your mom".
You see how that works?? I've just messed up his whole world. Now he'll go home and cry himself to sleep for being a horrible son. It is also greatly used to piss someone off.....It doesn't matter what the situation is, put this phrase in there, to bring the fight up one more level. In fact, it brings it up to the highest level...how can you top that?? You can't. period....I'll show you another instance::
Teacher- "Jon, why would you write this paper about silly putty being better than play dough? The assignment was to explain how the economic structure in the Soviet satellite regimes lead to the eventual J-curve"?
Me- "Your mom"
Teacher-"I apologize for failing you. Here is an A. Good job"
As you can see, this saying is an "all around goodie". Don't take my word on it. Say it to the next person who bothers you.

I'm not sure why there's a picture of David Lee Roth on here.....I just thought it reflected my post.

I'm sure glad that didn't happen

So remember when you were young and all you wished, is that you were someone else?? Have you actually sat down and thought that one through?? Probably not. What if you were in a sitcom and switched lives with Punky Brewster? That would suck....Well, I have. I decided to waste most of my morning and reflect on the idea of this--sit back and relax you wishers.

Person 1. The Ninja Turtles. Lets face it, who didn't want to live in the sewer with Splinter and eat pizza all day?? I know I did. These guys just chilled out, fought with the foot soldiers and maxed out with April O'neil (btw, whats up with the yellow jumpsuit??). All because of some secret ooze?? I spent a greater part of my childhood years searching in and around sewers for this stuff. All I found was some disease and a few hobos. But what if I had become a ninja turtle?? Really, living in the sewer wouldn't be that glamorous. And pizza EVERY day? I can see eating it a time or two, but what about some eggs or cake or something?? Are these guys even considered illegal immigrants?? Nope, so kiss welfare away. And that whole fighting with Shredder, BeBop and Rocksteady, just shoot them. No one is going to miss those radioactive freaks. Besides, they may be able to sue 3M for a ton of money.....Maybe the life of a sewer dwelling turtle wouldn't be that great.

Person 2-Corey Feldman. When it comes to 80's cool, this guy has it. He played in The Goonies, License to Drive, Lost Boys, Stand By Me and his greatest movie ever--Meatballs 4. Tom Hanks doesn't even have those kinds of movie great roles. And who wouldn't want a sidekick like Corey Haim?? But lets face it, in real life, chicks dug the Haim better. So all this guy would do is cockblock you non-stop! After a few stints in the 90's and being Michael Jacksons buddy, you would pretty much fall off the face of the world. Not a good ending to this story either. Good thing that wish didn't come true.




Person 3--Dawson. Man, talk about a douchebag. I never wanted to be this dopey fool, but I did want his life. Hanging out all day with Joey Potter, Jen and Brittany Daniels??? Wow. And in real life, women loved this guy! I would be talking to chicks about ninjas and Oregon Trail, and all they cared about was Dawson! Oh well....In real life, he probably drowned in that stupid creek.




Person 4- Ferris Bueller. When it comes to the top of the list, this guy should be there. The smokin hot girlfriend, the awesome (yet psycho best friend) and the life....this was IT! The guy skipped school and convinced his entire town that he was dying (except Dirty Dancings Baby). Smooth move. But lets examine the real life story. After Camron kicked his old mans car out of the window, what do you think happened?? That's right, he told his dad that Ferris stole the car and wrecked it. So the cops bust Ferris for carjacking and he had to do 10-11 years in the pen. Not to mention he probably got his girlfriend Sloan knocked up. Since she was a junior in high school, she couldn't finish her senior year and dropped out to raise her kid. She's now a receptionist at a salon somewhere..Ferris is under house arrest. Glad I didn't get that life either!

Person 5-The Fresh Prince. Growning up in the slums of Philly and all you had to do was meet a couple of guys who were up to no good-making trouble in your neighborhood, and you get shipped out to Bel-air??? Sign me up! Half the people I hung out with in real life were up to no good, but I never got shipped anywhere except detention! 1 Question I always had, was how did Jaz get out there? Wasn't that your boy from Philly?? How did he get out to Cali? Anyway, after Uncle Phill has a heart attack and dies, he leaves Jeffery all the money. Hence, the family becomes poor, and Will is forced into the movie biz...damn, I guess that worked out pretty well for him. Except that horrible flick Hitch......So I guess this life might not have been that bad after all.

Person 6- Ice Cube as Dough Boy in Boyz in the Hood. If I saw this dude coming at me down the street, I'd upper tank myself. One of the Trillest moments in movie history, is when they're on Crenshaw, and some chumps start getting lippy with Cubes' crew. He pulls up his shirt(revealing the ginormous gun) and says "We got a problem"? Man, that was HARD! He also had a dope lowrider in the movie. I used to watch that flick with Dan Contin and think "I wish I were an underrepresented minority in Compton...Then I could be down with the streets".....He also hung out with Too Short and macked on some fly ladies at the BBQ's..But I'm pretty sure he got some prison time with Ferris and got shot when he got out....yet, another life I'm glad I didn't switch with.

Person 7- Kevin Arnold...This guy had the perfect life. An awesome best friend, a girl (except I'm holding the view that Winny Cooper was a stuck up prude) and the best family. Nothing could go wrong for ol Kevin. Every episode was a classic in my mind......But alas, there is a real life side of things. His little brother Ben Savage got to mack on Topanga.....that has to suck. You spend 15 years chasing Winny the pooper Cooper ( no relation to Joe, Mike and Brian), and your little bro gets one of the hottest chicks to ever bless our tv's???? That has to be a cheap shot......but all in all, his life probably ended up quite well. After college he became a milkman or something like that though.....



Person 8-Kurt Cobain..Whew, dodged a bullet on that one! hahahaha. But when Nirvana was big, we all wanted to be just like Kurt, a whiney, depressed white guy with a horribly ugly wife.....Thank god we grew out of that stage!!








Person 9- Mario..Why do the 2 cartoons on my list live in or around sewers?? I dunno. But Mario had a cake life. Fighting mutated iguanas (I dunno, what the hell WAS Bowser???), breaking bricks, finding coins, turning all kinds of crazy colors and running through everything....sounds like the dream life. AND you get the bonus of an awesome brother in Luigi! The only downside?? That cockblocker toadstool.....







Person 10- Smalls from the Sandlot. I know most of you wished you were Benny (a foreign kid from the Dominican Republic sent here to ruin baseball and run from big dogs with your PF flyers), but Smalls got with Wendy Peffercorn!!! Wendy, the lifeguard! I think they had like 10 kids too!! I bet she's still smokin hot.....Smalls also had Yeah-Yeah as a trusty sidekick, not that new kid that just moved in, with the stupid Bass Fishing hat-with-the-bill-waaaaay-too-long.


Person 11-Iron Mike Tyson. Before the eating kids and biting ears, this was the baddest dude around! C'mone, he whooped Soda Popinski and Super Macho Man..not to mention he was the world boxing champ at like 19! AND was married to Robin Givins before she got all ugly and stuff...but as we all know, Iron Mikes life went WAY downhill.......glad I didn't get that one either!!






Person 12- Webster. Who wouldn't want to be a dwarfed black kid who gets adopted by a rich, racist white guy? sounds like a great sitcom.....I just put this in here because Webster is awesome, not that I really wanted his life..









Person 13- Zach "attack" Morris...Of almost all of these people, this is the guy who had it the best. A SUPER-ICONIC girl in Kelly Kowpowski, Screech as the sidekick, Mr. Belding as the arch rival, and AC Slater as the semi-rival/sidekick. And plus, who showed us the "Time Out". I still try to do that when I get in a sticky situation, and people just look at me funny....never really stopping time. He brought us the first look at the cell phone and Leah Rimini before she got hot. I wish my high school was a cool as Bayside. He had all kinds of run ins with the nerds, jocks and dweebs, and he was down with all of em! Alas, if I could change lives, this would be the one....



Person 14- Vanilla Ice. Don't front, before there was 50 Cent, Eminem or even Mac Dre, there was the Ice. If you say you DIDN'T want to be this guy, you're lying. EVERYONE wanted to "Roll, in my 5 point-oh, with the ragtop down so the hair can blow"....Plus, who doesn't know what comes after "Stop-Collaborate...." Classic. Just pure Classic. But as far as we can see, his life got screwed up HARD. Last time I checked, he was on Celebrity Bull Riding....talk about hard times. But I like to remember him for his Ice Ice Baby greatness. Those were the good old days. Back before we knew his name was Robert VanWinkle, before Suge Knight hung him over the balcony, and back when the movie Cool as Ice topped the movie charts for weeks....That's when the mountain of life had Ice covered tops. (you like that last poetic part? me too).

Person 15- Steve Dahl. From the moment we got on that school bus in the 7th grade and he said "I heard they throw batteries on this bus. My heads hard, I just hope they don't hit me in the nose", I knew this dude was fresh. From H-5's, butt slapping, Jewish/Amish heritage, hanging out with peoples dads, freakishly soft hands, a beard of 10th-wonder-of-the-world-proportions, we all wanted to be Steve Dahl at one point in time. Just not the times he broke his foot, or had ingrown nails that needed surgery to remove. This guy single handidly brought back the teepee house and drunk calls to a Whole 'nother level. We salute you Steve. But no dice.

P.S. go see Superbad. Its the best movie I've seen in a few years. Also, listen to Juicy by B.I.G.--its stuck in my head, and should be stuck in yours also.

-JB

America is losing

Why has America lost its hotness? I've noticed lately that all the smokin hot-hotties are coming from across the pond. Forget what you've heard about bad teeth and fat ankles, those British girls are dope. period.

Check this first hottie. Her name is Cheryl Tweedy. I have NO IDEA what she does for a living except look hot. I'm sure she works at the corner market as a cashier or something plain like that. From what I hear...ALL these British dames are smokin. I dug into it more and found another steamer.

This next girl is Elin Grindemyr. Again, NO CLUE why she is famous over there, but I can only guess its for being a cutie.....I'm living in the wrong country. Why don't we have these quality of girls on TV or movies?? In fact, we make movies about ugly women. For instance, the normally good lookin' Charliez Theron had to spend hours on end getting "Ugglified" (Is that a word?? Who cares, I just made it up, so it is now). Anyway, why not just have Ms. Theron stay as her usual hotness?? Because Americans love ugly. That's why most people hate me!! So I leave you with this--don't watch shows that keep fugly girlies on tv/movies......lets follow our cousins overseas and put some spice back in these TV dinners....Case and point:: Ugly Betty.....what is wrong with people??