Yo Sniz-ap

So this past weekend was the Pride festival in Minneapolis. From what I understand, it's the largest in the Midwest. I could care less what the events are about, I'm a festival-nut. I go to all those art fairs and music venues-in-the-parks in the Twin Cities. I didn't really get a chance to bike to this festival, but Batman took part in the parade. I guess that explains a lot......

All in all it's a fine time to be in Minneapolis. With the exception of the other 9 months of the year (i.e. winter) the Twin Cities are the place to live.

I figured I'd put in a picture of Minnehaha Falls in the middle of summer. Sometimes you forget that this exists in a major city. Along with the lakes, creeks, hobos and other natural beauties.

Speaking of which, I think I'm off to do some biking....Happy Monday.

-JB

Advice from you-know-who

Hey all. So it's that time of the month where I take a moment and answer all your important, burning questions and hope to aid in some life advice.

Dear Jon,

I'm looking for a song for my summer. I want this song to be reeaaaallly goood. You see, I just graduated high school and I need a theme song to make this summer memorable. Any advice?
Thanks- Mr. No SummerSongs

Mr No SummerSong,
If I were to pick a song to sum up my summer, it would be Luchini by Camp Lo. You really can't go wrong here. Other then that, go for something like a smooth country song. Most country songs take place in the warm weather. But unlike me in high school, stay away from songs like Summertime Girls, and Summer in the City. Though it may be fitting, Summertime by The Fresh Prince should be avoided by someone as young as you. Hope it helps.

Dear Jon, You know how everyone is saying "So is your face" and "that's what she said"? Well I want a new and cool saying that will catch on. Any advice on how to find such a saying??
-Cassie

Cass,
Sexual innuendos are hilarious. They always be. Start a new one! Here's what you need to do: Pick ANY task. Washing windows, baking bread, making peanut butter & jelly or tying shoes. Every time you see an attractive guy (or girl), turn to your friend and say you would do said task on them. Example "Oh snap! I'd butter her bread". Or "I'd balance his checkbook". Capisce?

Dear Jon,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for like three months. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to get her. Something that says how much I care, or something practical? I don't want her to think I'm over-doing it.....
- Albert

Al,
I know A LOT about women and what they want. Have you not seen that classic Mel Gibson flick? Women love a guy who can take it to the next level. I would recommend getting her some clothes. But buy them super big. That way she can grow into them in the next 8 months (she'll put on plenty of weight during your dating time). Women also really like sports. Get her a basketball signed by Larry Bird, or a football with Jerry Rices' signature on it. She will no doubt be speechless. If all else fails go with a Keith Sweat CD. Women love that guy for some reason.....

Dear Jon,
Last time I wrote, you recommended a Color Me Badd song for my wedding. Well, since I take your advice seriously, I brought that up to my lady. Needless to say, I'm writing this from my couch--alone. What can I do to get her back?
-Mr. No Song

What? That didn't work? I say good riddance. Any lady who doesn't like the sultry swingings of I wanna sex you up isn't worth spending the rest of your life with. I say go out this Friday and find a nice girl who will appreciate classical music. I think the best bet is to go to a karaoke bar and request the following: Poisen, Sex You Up, Every Little Step I Take, Candy Girl or Hangin' Tough. Look for the girls that are obviously drinking too much and really into your song. After the song approach them and say "That was for you". Guarantee it working for ou.

Dear Summer

Dear Andrea, You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life (except the time I got those new Air Jordans). - Sam




I read that and laughed. Why? ?Because it's true.




But anywho, The other day while in my car, sitting in traffic in uptown, I'm skipping through the radio. Of all the 15 stations, I can only find 3 songs: Flowrider, Silly, and some song with a voicebox. When all of a sudden Stay by Lisa Loeb comes on. I'm not really paying attention to what's going on around me, and I leave the volume of the radio a tad high. Since it's a nice day out in Minneapolis, the windows and sunroof are wide open. And, for whatever reason, I began to mumble the words to the song (most of us can remember EVERY word for that song-they only played it 333, 694 times a day in the 90's). As I'm still waiting to turn, a car full of high school/college freshman-aged girls pulls up next to me and begin laughing hysterically at the fact that this song is on, and I'm bumbling along with it. I'm semi-embarrassed that they caught me singing to a song such as this. So (because I knew I would never see them again), I pretended to sob and yell at them "You just don't understand her like I do! You just CAN'T"!!!! The look on their faces went from laughing to freaked out. Then I made my left turn down Lake Street and out of their lives. I'm pretty sure they are retelling their friends with the story of some super-cute guy who was singing along to a chick song, but turned out to be a mega-freak! I enjoy making little differences in peoples lives on a daily basis. I really love summer.




Over the weekend I stole a limo. Not really hot wired it like Bruce Willis, but more-or-less commandeered it. We were at a REAL swanky wedding at Interlachen (and I knew no one, and I really don't care for weddings). So we got sat at a table with a few other couples at the reception--who I did not feel like chatting with. Anyway, a few glasses of wine later and we're all talking. Turns out they're not half bad. So one of them comes back from the bar and says "the host bar is over, drinks are about $9. We could go to the store and buy a whole bottle for that"! Then a guy on the other side of the table says "We should take the limo to the store and get some". I stand up and yell "Lets go" and start dashing out the door. All I really wanted was a redbull because I was driving that night. But everyone else was surprised that the calm, quite fellow sitting at their table turned out to be the world famous trickster-Jon B. Needless to say ten minutes later we were cruising in a limo to get bagged booze. Apparently, Edina liquor stores do not believe in Joose or 40's. Classy as Cory Feldman. I wish I had pictures, but I don't use a digital camera.



I'm sure you noticed the smooth prom picture from 1986. I'm trying to find the best/funniest/classiest prom and wedding pictures lately.....I'm not sure why.



I really like these guys at a junior prom. Everyone is so hardcore-except the guy in the bottom left. He's just happy to be out with his new gang.

Well, I'm off to watch either Rookie of the Year or Little Big League. See ya!

-JB

Right time, right place

If you ever get the chance to meet Minneapolis artist Michael Birawer, do so. The guy is pretty Trill. I actually have this painting hanging up in my house.

So I'm part of some informal study for someones senior thesis paper in psychology. They're doing it on the relationship between sounds and memory (as most are done between smell and memory). So I had to bring all these CD's and records over and basically sit in this strange room with odd lights and no furniture. Anyway, I found that listening to certain songs while in the "control room" makes us think about past experiences.

For instance, as I'm jumbling through song after song, 93 till infinity comes on. Almost instantly I felt like I was back on the Lake Street bus going from Uptown to the bomb shelter. I used to beat this song ALL the time while on that bus. I used to listen to music non-stop during these bus trips, but that song is the one that has the strongest connection.

Song 2: Passin me bye by the Pharcyde. I used to listen to this song a ton growing up, but the place it brought me while playing was back to the Northside house parties. Along with some other songs, this one reminds me of being at that house all winter.

Song 3: Nothin but a G thang: by Dr Dre. Every time Snoop comes in with the "1, 2, 3 and to the 4....." It reminds me of the 5th grade for some reason. Pretty much all summer that song was on blast in EVERYONES car. Every park BBQ had this on the radio. We used to rap along to this on the playground while rocking my Bulls starter jacket....

Song 4: The 3 Feet High and Rising album by De La Soul. I was 7 years old when I got this tape. To this day it is one of my all time favorite and classic albums. The first time I heard Me, Myself and I, I was on the bus and it came on the radio. It was the bus to Hale School, and Donnie and Kyle were sitting next to me. They didn't dig the song like I did. After I heard the song, got the album, I wanted a high-top-fade and African medallion SO bad. I couldn't understand at the time why I couldn't........But I still had my Cross-Colors gear.

Song 5: Regulators: Warren G. I think it came out in 94, and EVERYONE had this song going that summer. I remember playing this song while playing basketball at King park. I have no idea why it reminds me of basketball (because I was horrible), but it does.....

Song 6: Actually the whole album of Do you want more?!?! by The Roots. I want to say this came out in 93/94 and it is hands down one of my all time favorites. I remember listening to Proceed all the time going to school. The place it puts me though is outside of Synders eating a kempswhich. I think I pretty much kept that tape on play all year.....and still do. Silent Treatment has pretty much been some kind of theme with every woman I've ever dated. I can pretty much guarantee that I've played this song on repeat during every relationship I've ever had.

Song 7: They Want EFX by Das EFX. This song was in the walkman during my first time in a train yard. I can remember every sound, smell and sight. When I hear this song I still get a nervous feeling like being caught or something.

Song 8: Ya Playin Yourself by Jeru. I will always remember the first time I heard this song. It was on Yo! and I thought "This guy is nuts"! Kung fu and hiphop?!? Why didn't I think of that? A week later I was in Tae Kwon Do and a month later I quite.

Song 9: U Can't Touch This : Hammer. Phelps Park was the first time I heard this, and yes, I learned the hammer dance because of this. I was the only white kid doing the hammer dance at Phelps Park. This song always reminded me of this summer. It was the first time I got into a real fight, and kissed a girl in the same day. Word!

Song 10: Iesha By ABC. For whatever reason, I sang this song to a girl who wasn't named Iesha and she dug it. That was in like 5th grade while at Long Lake on a camping trip. She then told me I was "hunky". I have no idea why I thought kickin' Iesha to her would win her over, but it did. We dated for a whole 3 days.

I guess I thought I had more relevant stuff to say on this, but I was amazed at how connected certain songs are to memories.

I keep waiting to play Summertime by ye' old Fresh Prince, but Minneapolis is lagging behind on the sunny weather.

Other than that, the Lakers/Celtics are back to the classic finals in the NBA. And yes, my Cubs currently hold the best record in baseball and have more people going to the All-Star then any other team. 100 years and maaaaaybe another title?? We can only hope.

On other news, check out the St. Anthony art fair on the 14th.

-JB

Science doesn't lie

So I've pretty much discovered I'm an X-men. You know how some X-men have real cool powers like blowing up stuff, flying, shooting Parmesan cheese out of their nose, adamantuim claws, kinetic abilities and the ability to teleport? Well my special power is to completely screw up any and every line I ever get in. It never fails. Say for instance I go to the grocery store for a simple item like oranges. Now I'm walking to the checkout line and notice there are ten lanes open, each lane has about 6 people with full shopping carts. But alas, there is a line with only one person in it, and she is only buying razors and gummi bears. I quickly jump into that line and think "Heck, one person in line, I'll be out of here in two minutes tops". Wrong. I can guarantee that woman will have: coupons, pay in pennies, have her prosthetic leg fall off, have a sneezing attack, have to "get one more thing quick", or just plain be half-dead. Now, if I were to get in any other line, she would go quick, but the one I choose will ALWAYS take longer then the rest. And it really doesn't matter the situation. No matter what the line is, the one I choose will suddenly become the longest line in the store.

On a scientfic note, I would like to address what some people refer to as "being shallow". Sure, I base most first impressions off of looks. We all do. Except Stevie Wonder. But I have found in my own scientific study, that by adding breast enhancements to almost any woman, it will increase their hotness (Note to the reader: when you see me in public, please do not punch me in the neck or scream at me). I will address my two top reasons for this:

Reason 1.

Halle Berry. Ok, let's not kid ourselves. Halle has been hot since day one (remember Boomerang). But with the addition of....um....well actually a kid.

Ok my whole theory just went out the window. I was going to do a segment on Halle Berry and Christina Aguilera getting way hotter in the past six months, but it's pretty much due to the fact they had kids. So maybe it is the addition of kids that makes you hot. Oooooor not. But some moms are not hot what-so-ever. Take for instance Tori Spelling, Kati Holmes, Liv Tyler, Melissa Joan Heart, Michelle Williams, Jamie Lynn Spears, Nicole Ritchie and of course Madonna. Why is it some women get super good looking when they have a child, and some lose their hotness all together (example A: Katie Holmes in Dawsons Creek = hot, Katie Holmes with Tom Cruise = uggo). Wow, this blog took an odd turn. I was all hyped up on hotties, and it spun into a posting about baby mamas......

So I finally put a brake on my bike. I know, I know I dropped a few cool points. But anywho, I went for about 40 miles today. Next purchase-gloves. It hurts to rest my palms on the keyboard....

In unrelated news, I checked my grades for the semester and I'm all A's like Oakland. I really need to work on my bay-area humor.

So I can't remember the guys name (he's pretty much a second rate Demetri Martin) but some points made me laugh.

-They should open up a restaurant called I Don't Care so I can finally go to that place my girlfriends keep talking about.

Actually, that was the only part about his bit that was funny.....

Anywho, hope everyone is up for Memorial weekend. Not that it means anything other than a Monday off.

Peace out.

-JB

My cover girl

Remember that New Kids on the Block song, Cover girl? Well, me neither. But any-who, as class is non-existing and spare time is abundant, I've tried to catch some of the morning shows on TV. Today I found someone I would like to put down a hole and never see again. Her name: Kathy Lee Gifford. I sorta remember her from the mid 90's being annoying about her lame kids and jocking Regis, but for whatever reason, she has morphed into a demoness. I listened to her rant for about 5 minutes about nothing. I wanted to poke my own eyes out after that.

I sent NBC a nice email asking for her immediate removal. Along with that, I would like to replace her spot with Jack Bauer. I don't know if NBC really cares about it though.....

On an unrelated note, Summer feels like it's almost here. I went for a run today, but it was about to rain, so I went back home. The fun never stops.....

Maybe the Celtics will get their game back and put away those pesky Cavs. We can only hope.

Advice from el Jon

Dear Jon: I'm getting married this coming year. My soon to be wife is really into country music and I'm not. She wants our first song to be a country one, I want something more traditional. Do you have any ideas that would help us??


Sincerely, Mr. No Song.

Dear Mr. No Song,

You should really consider the songs: "Rico Suave, Jump (by Kris Kross), Do Wah Diddy by 2 Live Crew, I want to sex you up by Color Me Badd, Anything by Master P or Party all the time by Eddie Murphy. If all else fails, put in some New Kids on the Block. Hope this helps.

Dear Jon,


I'm really into this girl in one of my courses. She's really hot, and...well...I'm not so good looking. What can I do to get her to look my way?


Sincerely, Need a hint.

OK, listen up Need-a-hint,
The first thing you need to do is get her to know who you are. Walk up, look her in the eyes and say "Its about to get snappy in here". She won't have a clue what you are talking about, but she'll be thinking about you the rest of the day. Now, the next step is buy her something nice. Women LOVE presents. So buy her something nice like a mirror, a bottle of water, or laundry detergent. She'll think your the sweetest guy in the world, but her boyfriend won't approve (I'm assuming she's got a boyfriend because she's really good looking). Ok, to get rid of this arm candy she's carrying around, call Jimmy Bells down at 39th. It'll cost you about 10K, but it won't come back to you. Ok, since Jimmy is a little nuts, he'll probably kidnap you instead. So my next tidbit of advice is when you're riding to the middle of nowhere in his trunk, try to chew through the ropes, when you do that, hit the release switch in the back of the trunk (its a yellow tab). Pop open the trunk and run. I'm guessing you'll be by a river somewhere, so jump in and grab hold of a large Carp and surf it back home. Ok, next thing is to get some new clothes on (this girl won't like you smelling like river water). Go to her place and bring some food (I recommend the 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell). She'll thank you so much, she'll break up with her boyfriend, be with you and you will both live happily ever after.

Dear Jon,

You are like, the COOLEST person ever. All I want to be is your girlie. What can I do to make you turn??

-Every girl in the world.

Every girl,
Sorry, I can't help you on this one.

Dear Jon,
I have a dead-end job and need to get out. The problem is that I make a lot of money, but I'm not happy here. On the flip side, the people here NEED me. This place would crumble without me here. And I'm not sure where else I could work that would provide comedy like my current situation.
-Michael Scott

Mr. Scott,
I think it would be unwise for you to leave. I also think that you should not sabotage your current situation or allow people that work below you to leave and start a spin-off show (we saw what happened to Joey). Hope this helps.

Dear Mr. B.
Can I trust a big butt and a smile?
-Anonymous

Anonymous,
Of course NOT! Has BBD taught you nothing?

So as it sits, these are the extent to my advice-giving. On other notes...

I finally got my typewriter! I'm pumped like Reebok shoes! The only downside is that I won't be posting anything from the typewriter on here....problems with technology I guess.

The Celtics are up 2 games. Hoootie hoooo

So the Declaration of Independence is on display at the History center. I went and saw it today. Quite amazing in person...That's the best thing to do on these rainy days.

Damn these allergies.

That's it, I'm out.