Dear Jon: I'm getting married this coming year. My soon to be wife is really into country music and I'm not. She wants our first song to be a country one, I want something more traditional. Do you have any ideas that would help us??
Sincerely, Mr. No Song.
Dear Mr. No Song,
You should really consider the songs: "Rico Suave, Jump (by Kris Kross), Do Wah Diddy by 2 Live Crew, I want to sex you up by Color Me Badd, Anything by Master P or Party all the time by Eddie Murphy. If all else fails, put in some New Kids on the Block. Hope this helps.
Dear Jon,
I'm really into this girl in one of my courses. She's really hot, and...well...I'm not so good looking. What can I do to get her to look my way?
Sincerely, Need a hint.
OK, listen up Need-a-hint,
The first thing you need to do is get her to know who you are. Walk up, look her in the eyes and say "Its about to get snappy in here". She won't have a clue what you are talking about, but she'll be thinking about you the rest of the day. Now, the next step is buy her something nice. Women LOVE presents. So buy her something nice like a mirror, a bottle of water, or laundry detergent. She'll think your the sweetest guy in the world, but her boyfriend won't approve (I'm assuming she's got a boyfriend because she's really good looking). Ok, to get rid of this arm candy she's carrying around, call Jimmy Bells down at 39th. It'll cost you about 10K, but it won't come back to you. Ok, since Jimmy is a little nuts, he'll probably kidnap you instead. So my next tidbit of advice is when you're riding to the middle of nowhere in his trunk, try to chew through the ropes, when you do that, hit the release switch in the back of the trunk (its a yellow tab). Pop open the trunk and run. I'm guessing you'll be by a river somewhere, so jump in and grab hold of a large Carp and surf it back home. Ok, next thing is to get some new clothes on (this girl won't like you smelling like river water). Go to her place and bring some food (I recommend the 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell). She'll thank you so much, she'll break up with her boyfriend, be with you and you will both live happily ever after.
You are like, the COOLEST person ever. All I want to be is your girlie. What can I do to make you turn??
-Every girl in the world.
Every girl,
Sorry, I can't help you on this one.
Dear Jon,
I have a dead-end job and need to get out. The problem is that I make a lot of money, but I'm not happy here. On the flip side, the people here NEED me. This place would crumble without me here. And I'm not sure where else I could work that would provide comedy like my current situation.
-Michael Scott
Mr. Scott,
I think it would be unwise for you to leave. I also think that you should not sabotage your current situation or allow people that work below you to leave and start a spin-off show (we saw what happened to Joey). Hope this helps.
Dear Mr. B. 
Can I trust a big butt and a smile?
-Anonymous
Anonymous,
Of course NOT! Has BBD taught you nothing?
So as it sits, these are the extent to my advice-giving. On other notes...
I finally got my typewriter! I'm pumped like Reebok shoes! The only downside is that I won't be posting anything from the typewriter on here....problems with technology I guess.
The Celtics are up 2 games. Hoootie hoooo
So the Declaration of Independence is on display at the History center. I went and saw it today. Quite amazing in person...That's the best thing to do on these rainy days.
Damn these allergies.
That's it, I'm out.
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