Advice from you-know-who

Hey all. So it's that time of the month where I take a moment and answer all your important, burning questions and hope to aid in some life advice.

Dear Jon,

I'm looking for a song for my summer. I want this song to be reeaaaallly goood. You see, I just graduated high school and I need a theme song to make this summer memorable. Any advice?
Thanks- Mr. No SummerSongs

Mr No SummerSong,
If I were to pick a song to sum up my summer, it would be Luchini by Camp Lo. You really can't go wrong here. Other then that, go for something like a smooth country song. Most country songs take place in the warm weather. But unlike me in high school, stay away from songs like Summertime Girls, and Summer in the City. Though it may be fitting, Summertime by The Fresh Prince should be avoided by someone as young as you. Hope it helps.

Dear Jon, You know how everyone is saying "So is your face" and "that's what she said"? Well I want a new and cool saying that will catch on. Any advice on how to find such a saying??
-Cassie

Cass,
Sexual innuendos are hilarious. They always be. Start a new one! Here's what you need to do: Pick ANY task. Washing windows, baking bread, making peanut butter & jelly or tying shoes. Every time you see an attractive guy (or girl), turn to your friend and say you would do said task on them. Example "Oh snap! I'd butter her bread". Or "I'd balance his checkbook". Capisce?

Dear Jon,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for like three months. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to get her. Something that says how much I care, or something practical? I don't want her to think I'm over-doing it.....
- Albert

Al,
I know A LOT about women and what they want. Have you not seen that classic Mel Gibson flick? Women love a guy who can take it to the next level. I would recommend getting her some clothes. But buy them super big. That way she can grow into them in the next 8 months (she'll put on plenty of weight during your dating time). Women also really like sports. Get her a basketball signed by Larry Bird, or a football with Jerry Rices' signature on it. She will no doubt be speechless. If all else fails go with a Keith Sweat CD. Women love that guy for some reason.....

Dear Jon,
Last time I wrote, you recommended a Color Me Badd song for my wedding. Well, since I take your advice seriously, I brought that up to my lady. Needless to say, I'm writing this from my couch--alone. What can I do to get her back?
-Mr. No Song

What? That didn't work? I say good riddance. Any lady who doesn't like the sultry swingings of I wanna sex you up isn't worth spending the rest of your life with. I say go out this Friday and find a nice girl who will appreciate classical music. I think the best bet is to go to a karaoke bar and request the following: Poisen, Sex You Up, Every Little Step I Take, Candy Girl or Hangin' Tough. Look for the girls that are obviously drinking too much and really into your song. After the song approach them and say "That was for you". Guarantee it working for ou.