If I weren't so real.

So lets face it, real life women are pretty much the best thing to ever happen to guys. If there were no women around, we woudn't be here. So with that in mind, thank your wife, girlfriend, mother, and grandmother for putting up with all your wackiness through the years.....But if we were cartoons, we obviously would be a whole lot different. So I was pondering the type of cartoon chick I'd like to date. It wasn't easy. This isn't a list of a countdown, it's just a list. The first criteria for said list, is that they have to be created as a cartoon. I've seen plenty of shows where Sophia Lauren was drawn into the toon. That doesn't count. These ladies have to be created for the sake of cartoon hotness. So lets peep em out.

1. April Oneil. As a kid, probably your first exposure to hot chicks was this lady. She got to kick it with the ninja turtles! But in real life, lets look at this:: She hung out in the sewer with mutated amphibians and a rat....sounds a little odd to me. But hey, I got a thing for tight yellow rainsuits. She was ALWAYS down to run to the pizza shop and get it for them. Definitly sounds like my kinda lady! But in turn, when we went to bring her to real life (See Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), She turns into one of the ugliest people ever.......Case and point--Judith Hoag. You mean to tell me that you couldn't find ANY semi-hot looking lady to play this role?? Again, see my point of "America Losing" including un-smooth looking ladies in leading roles. Corey Feldman was also in this movie. I'm sure if they asked him, he could pull a few strings and get Elizabeth Shue or Heather Grahm to play the part.....If I remember right, she never wore the jumpsuit in the movie either.


#2 Belle. C'mone, this chick is smoking. Lets skip the fact that she is down with interspecies erotica, she is a catch! Hell, her name even means beautiful. I don't remember the plot to the movie. I just remember that the Beast had some anger management issues and a fetish with beating women, and there was a really annoying talking candle. I'd grow my hair all-stevedahlish to pull a girlie like this....why does April Oneil and Belle rock the yellow suits?? Maybe I just dig yellow....hmm, that's a thought to ponder.


#3. Lurleen Lumpkin. Any chick that's down to get with Homer J Simpson obviously has self- esteem issues, and that means my kind of girl! If I remember right, she only made a brief appearance on the Simpsons, but it was a great one. She strolled into town as a hick country singer who needed a manager and someone to "manage her" (you like the sexual innuendo? me too). So anyway, she tries to steal colonel Homers heart, but the goof goes for his big blue haired lady (who as you can see did NOT make the list because she is very un-goodlooking). Anyway, Lurleen wrote a song called "I wanna bunk with you tonight", and I'm sure she wasn't talking about bunk beds at summer camp. From what I hear she is set to return for the shows 19th season.

#4. Daria. Um.....actually, I don't know how she got on here. She sorta reminds me of a T.A. I had a crush on, but she's not all that hot.... Maybe she would be hot if she lost the glasses, put on some makeup, got some clothes.....or not. Actually, just forget I put this one on here. I don't need you all thinking I'm some weirdo who has a thing for social outcast girls who never laugh or smile.





#5 Princess Jasmine. Lets just say that she could rub my genie lamp all night. giggity-gigity-goo! But lets be for real. She is a super hottie that Disney brought us again. I guess the only thing I didn't like about her was that pet tiger. OK that's cool for about 2 minutes, but then what if that thing goes all Siegfried and Roy on you?? Then you're in the hostpital getting help from JD and Turk. No dice. But what if you did get with this girl? She owns the whole country! That's pretty cool, except for the fact its Egypt. And there are NO WATER PAKS there. So I would be very unhappy. But she is pretty dope. You have to admit it.....


#6. Jane Jetson. Probably one of the most slept on hotties in cartoon world. A possible downside? She's a money grubbing whoer (yes who-er). Remember in the opening of that show, Mr. Jetson goes to give her like $100, and she takes the wallet instead?? I'd a kicked her to the curb. And in a flying car, the curb is a LOOOOONG way down. So she would probably die. So that might not be the best option. Most of you are saying "but why not the daughter?? Because she has silver hair. What is she, a robot?? No thank you, just let me savor the milf.


#7. Jessica Rabbit. Whats with chicks and interspecies erotica?? Anyway,
I'm pretty sure I can look past all of that. In all of the world of cartoons, she has to be the hottest. Except that voice. Sure it might sound good over the phone when you're sitting by yourself in your parents basement playing Contra, yelling "up,up,down,down,left,right,left,right,a,b,select,start", but would it really be all that great introducing her to your mother? Probably not. And I'm pretty sure she's a half-pirate with one eye. But she's a hottie. Plain and simple.............



#8 . Lois Griffin. One of the funniest skits on the Family Guy was when Lois has a flashback to the time she slept will all the members of Midnight Dixie Runners at once. As she gets out of bed and leaves the band, the lead singer says "Hey, that girl just gave me a great idea for a song....what was here name?...Ilene?". How can one lady be so skanky and never get with the Quagmire?? But lets put her escapades aside and admire how incredibly hot Lois is. And really, Peter is cool and all, but how does he keep a lady like this?? And how did Meg turn out so ugly?? Oh well, some questions are never able to be answered. But there's something about her giggle that tickles my fancy.....


#9. Minnie Mouse. What a cutie this one is. So much in fact, I had to meet her firsthand! But really, I have a hard time believing that she's a mouse. A rat? Maybe....Mice don't get that big, but rats do. Oh well, I still hold the belief that Minnie Mouse is still one hot cartoon female. Maybe Mickey should spend less time with Goofy and Pluto, and spending a little quality time with the misses.



#10. Smufette. Talk about a new meaning to blue balls. But I always wondered....with all those smurfs, and ONE female, who was sleeping with who?? But all in all, this foxy smurf was a tease. Look at her in that white dress and blond hair..but the least she could do was wear some socks. Do you really think she was a one-smuf-woman?? Heck no, she was flaunting her stuff all over that mushroom housing complex. Later, they introduced Saussette Smurfling (who was an ugly chick smurf with freckles) to try and steal the light from Smurfette. I think Smurfette pulled out Saussettes' weave and kicked her with her high heels or something like that. The ONLY people that could mack on Smurfette in that section 8 mushroom village were: Hefty Smurf (because he was all buff and had a heart tattoo that said "mom" on his arm), Gargamel (because he was a real person and chicks dig the hermit type), or Poet smurf (because he's dope with the poems and is all sensitive to a womans needs and stuff).


#11. Tinkerbell. If she were only about 5 feet taller......Tink was one hot cartoon. Look at those saucy lips (also she always is wearing lipstick--kinda odd if you ask me). She spent her days hanging around NeverNeverLand with the Lostboys. I bet all she wanted was Peter Pan to grow up and maybe take her out to a nice Italian restaurant or to see The Notebook or something smooth like that. But no, she spent her days with the lame lost boys and Rufio (who COULD have been cool, except he seemed to be all about his skateboarding and not the ladies. Again, when tinkerbell was made into a person for a movie, who did they cast? Jenny Mcarthy? Meg Ryan? Molly Ringwold?? Nope. Juila Roberts! Horses don't have as big of mouths as hers........What a horrible choice. Damn you Hollywood.





#12. Princess Toadstool. Ok, so maybe not the most realistic looking woman on the list, but whom among us didn't spend HOURS UPON HOURS trying to save this woman?? I know I did. I would have done anything for her love--swam among jellyfish, fought giant lizards named Koopa, run among worlds filled with ice, broken bricks with my bare hands to get coins (maybe Mario was just a hobo??), shot fire from my palms after getting that flower, and played those stupid slot machines at the end of the levels just to meet this woman.....sigh. But trust me, I never played with her in Super Mario 2 because she was weak at picking up stuff--never mind the fact that she could fly......



#15. Wonder Woman. I'm not sure if she's a cartoon or not. She was created as a comic, so I guess she fits the criteria for this. Man, wonderwoman was hot. And she's actually pretty realistic as far as drawings go. The only downside to hanging with this chick like Mister Cooper (remember that show?? that was great...sorry sidetracked)...but anyway, her stupid rope of truth. She would be like "Where were you last night? I'd be like "Oh, I just hung out with the guys.....got some food and watched Montell". She'd throw that rope around you and the truth comes out ..."Actually, Steve Dahl, and Scary Drew and me went to the U of M farm fields and stole a bunch of corn, then we started a fire in the Metradome and made the biggest popcorn ball of all time. We then went to a water park and peed in the pool"......That would suck to have a woman that could do that to you! But that doesn't hid the fact that she's a 10.

I really want to watch Over the Top with Sylvester Stallone as an armwrestling truck driver....then to top it off, a midnight showing of Vision Quest....Man, that would be the TRILLEST!! Till' next time...happy Monday.

-JB