I'm sure glad that didn't happen

So remember when you were young and all you wished, is that you were someone else?? Have you actually sat down and thought that one through?? Probably not. What if you were in a sitcom and switched lives with Punky Brewster? That would suck....Well, I have. I decided to waste most of my morning and reflect on the idea of this--sit back and relax you wishers.

Person 1. The Ninja Turtles. Lets face it, who didn't want to live in the sewer with Splinter and eat pizza all day?? I know I did. These guys just chilled out, fought with the foot soldiers and maxed out with April O'neil (btw, whats up with the yellow jumpsuit??). All because of some secret ooze?? I spent a greater part of my childhood years searching in and around sewers for this stuff. All I found was some disease and a few hobos. But what if I had become a ninja turtle?? Really, living in the sewer wouldn't be that glamorous. And pizza EVERY day? I can see eating it a time or two, but what about some eggs or cake or something?? Are these guys even considered illegal immigrants?? Nope, so kiss welfare away. And that whole fighting with Shredder, BeBop and Rocksteady, just shoot them. No one is going to miss those radioactive freaks. Besides, they may be able to sue 3M for a ton of money.....Maybe the life of a sewer dwelling turtle wouldn't be that great.

Person 2-Corey Feldman. When it comes to 80's cool, this guy has it. He played in The Goonies, License to Drive, Lost Boys, Stand By Me and his greatest movie ever--Meatballs 4. Tom Hanks doesn't even have those kinds of movie great roles. And who wouldn't want a sidekick like Corey Haim?? But lets face it, in real life, chicks dug the Haim better. So all this guy would do is cockblock you non-stop! After a few stints in the 90's and being Michael Jacksons buddy, you would pretty much fall off the face of the world. Not a good ending to this story either. Good thing that wish didn't come true.




Person 3--Dawson. Man, talk about a douchebag. I never wanted to be this dopey fool, but I did want his life. Hanging out all day with Joey Potter, Jen and Brittany Daniels??? Wow. And in real life, women loved this guy! I would be talking to chicks about ninjas and Oregon Trail, and all they cared about was Dawson! Oh well....In real life, he probably drowned in that stupid creek.




Person 4- Ferris Bueller. When it comes to the top of the list, this guy should be there. The smokin hot girlfriend, the awesome (yet psycho best friend) and the life....this was IT! The guy skipped school and convinced his entire town that he was dying (except Dirty Dancings Baby). Smooth move. But lets examine the real life story. After Camron kicked his old mans car out of the window, what do you think happened?? That's right, he told his dad that Ferris stole the car and wrecked it. So the cops bust Ferris for carjacking and he had to do 10-11 years in the pen. Not to mention he probably got his girlfriend Sloan knocked up. Since she was a junior in high school, she couldn't finish her senior year and dropped out to raise her kid. She's now a receptionist at a salon somewhere..Ferris is under house arrest. Glad I didn't get that life either!

Person 5-The Fresh Prince. Growning up in the slums of Philly and all you had to do was meet a couple of guys who were up to no good-making trouble in your neighborhood, and you get shipped out to Bel-air??? Sign me up! Half the people I hung out with in real life were up to no good, but I never got shipped anywhere except detention! 1 Question I always had, was how did Jaz get out there? Wasn't that your boy from Philly?? How did he get out to Cali? Anyway, after Uncle Phill has a heart attack and dies, he leaves Jeffery all the money. Hence, the family becomes poor, and Will is forced into the movie biz...damn, I guess that worked out pretty well for him. Except that horrible flick Hitch......So I guess this life might not have been that bad after all.

Person 6- Ice Cube as Dough Boy in Boyz in the Hood. If I saw this dude coming at me down the street, I'd upper tank myself. One of the Trillest moments in movie history, is when they're on Crenshaw, and some chumps start getting lippy with Cubes' crew. He pulls up his shirt(revealing the ginormous gun) and says "We got a problem"? Man, that was HARD! He also had a dope lowrider in the movie. I used to watch that flick with Dan Contin and think "I wish I were an underrepresented minority in Compton...Then I could be down with the streets".....He also hung out with Too Short and macked on some fly ladies at the BBQ's..But I'm pretty sure he got some prison time with Ferris and got shot when he got out....yet, another life I'm glad I didn't switch with.

Person 7- Kevin Arnold...This guy had the perfect life. An awesome best friend, a girl (except I'm holding the view that Winny Cooper was a stuck up prude) and the best family. Nothing could go wrong for ol Kevin. Every episode was a classic in my mind......But alas, there is a real life side of things. His little brother Ben Savage got to mack on Topanga.....that has to suck. You spend 15 years chasing Winny the pooper Cooper ( no relation to Joe, Mike and Brian), and your little bro gets one of the hottest chicks to ever bless our tv's???? That has to be a cheap shot......but all in all, his life probably ended up quite well. After college he became a milkman or something like that though.....



Person 8-Kurt Cobain..Whew, dodged a bullet on that one! hahahaha. But when Nirvana was big, we all wanted to be just like Kurt, a whiney, depressed white guy with a horribly ugly wife.....Thank god we grew out of that stage!!








Person 9- Mario..Why do the 2 cartoons on my list live in or around sewers?? I dunno. But Mario had a cake life. Fighting mutated iguanas (I dunno, what the hell WAS Bowser???), breaking bricks, finding coins, turning all kinds of crazy colors and running through everything....sounds like the dream life. AND you get the bonus of an awesome brother in Luigi! The only downside?? That cockblocker toadstool.....







Person 10- Smalls from the Sandlot. I know most of you wished you were Benny (a foreign kid from the Dominican Republic sent here to ruin baseball and run from big dogs with your PF flyers), but Smalls got with Wendy Peffercorn!!! Wendy, the lifeguard! I think they had like 10 kids too!! I bet she's still smokin hot.....Smalls also had Yeah-Yeah as a trusty sidekick, not that new kid that just moved in, with the stupid Bass Fishing hat-with-the-bill-waaaaay-too-long.


Person 11-Iron Mike Tyson. Before the eating kids and biting ears, this was the baddest dude around! C'mone, he whooped Soda Popinski and Super Macho Man..not to mention he was the world boxing champ at like 19! AND was married to Robin Givins before she got all ugly and stuff...but as we all know, Iron Mikes life went WAY downhill.......glad I didn't get that one either!!






Person 12- Webster. Who wouldn't want to be a dwarfed black kid who gets adopted by a rich, racist white guy? sounds like a great sitcom.....I just put this in here because Webster is awesome, not that I really wanted his life..









Person 13- Zach "attack" Morris...Of almost all of these people, this is the guy who had it the best. A SUPER-ICONIC girl in Kelly Kowpowski, Screech as the sidekick, Mr. Belding as the arch rival, and AC Slater as the semi-rival/sidekick. And plus, who showed us the "Time Out". I still try to do that when I get in a sticky situation, and people just look at me funny....never really stopping time. He brought us the first look at the cell phone and Leah Rimini before she got hot. I wish my high school was a cool as Bayside. He had all kinds of run ins with the nerds, jocks and dweebs, and he was down with all of em! Alas, if I could change lives, this would be the one....



Person 14- Vanilla Ice. Don't front, before there was 50 Cent, Eminem or even Mac Dre, there was the Ice. If you say you DIDN'T want to be this guy, you're lying. EVERYONE wanted to "Roll, in my 5 point-oh, with the ragtop down so the hair can blow"....Plus, who doesn't know what comes after "Stop-Collaborate...." Classic. Just pure Classic. But as far as we can see, his life got screwed up HARD. Last time I checked, he was on Celebrity Bull Riding....talk about hard times. But I like to remember him for his Ice Ice Baby greatness. Those were the good old days. Back before we knew his name was Robert VanWinkle, before Suge Knight hung him over the balcony, and back when the movie Cool as Ice topped the movie charts for weeks....That's when the mountain of life had Ice covered tops. (you like that last poetic part? me too).

Person 15- Steve Dahl. From the moment we got on that school bus in the 7th grade and he said "I heard they throw batteries on this bus. My heads hard, I just hope they don't hit me in the nose", I knew this dude was fresh. From H-5's, butt slapping, Jewish/Amish heritage, hanging out with peoples dads, freakishly soft hands, a beard of 10th-wonder-of-the-world-proportions, we all wanted to be Steve Dahl at one point in time. Just not the times he broke his foot, or had ingrown nails that needed surgery to remove. This guy single handidly brought back the teepee house and drunk calls to a Whole 'nother level. We salute you Steve. But no dice.

P.S. go see Superbad. Its the best movie I've seen in a few years. Also, listen to Juicy by B.I.G.--its stuck in my head, and should be stuck in yours also.

-JB