There's usually a first time

I can remember my first kiss like it was yesterday. I was a young buck in the 5th grade, playing hide and go seek in Nicole's' basement with her and her brother. She hid under a coffee table that had a white sheet over it. Me, being the smooth dude I was, hid under the same coffee table. She was so pissed that I was under her table, but I leaned forward and kissed her smack dab on the nose. Surprise! She grabbed the collar of my shirt, twisted it up in her fist, and pushed my head into the leg of the table. Let's just say our date didn't work out so well. Later in life, we had the romantic date life that lasted 3 weeks. And in the 6th grade, that's a lifetime. I can remember my last kiss like it was 20 minutes ago. Why is that?? Why do the first things, and last things stick into our minds, while the middle ones, seem to dissolve into one another? Here's a sidenote: My first real kiss was in the 6th grade with a girl named Jessica. We actually made a time and place that we were going to kiss (behind the loading dock at Field school at 3pm). We then decided who was "going to lead". It was the most awesome/awkward experience. Every day after that (for a month), before I walked home and she got on the bus, we met. I heard she's a "dancer" now. And not a very good looking one...dodged that bullet!

The first time I wrote something with the intent of it being good was in the 6th grade with Ryan and David. We passed along a notebook that was supposed to be about us getting with girlies. They would write stuff about them "humping girls all day", and my sections were about me stealing their underwear then putting itching powder in it, then returning it without them knowing. Let's just say Dave and Ryan didn't let me do anymore smut writings when most my stories ended up with me somehow picking up a water tower with my bare hands, and dancing in the streets to Cantaloop.

The last time I wrote something with the intent of being good was a short story about a guy who relates all his life's problems to magnets. "Some people attract me, others repel me, either way, the person and the magnet need that other part to have a reaction". Trust me, it isn't that good, but I wrote it with the intent of being good and clever....But I can't seem to recall any of the thousands of writings I have done in between. All the essays, poems, letters, books, articles, journals or even blogs! I can think of the significant ones, but not the minor ones.

The first time I can remember being really scared was when I was about 8 at this sideshow fair. For those who know about Valleyfair, this place used to be that carnival thing about 3 miles away. Thank god they tore that place down. Any-who, there was this "elevator" that took you through scary scenes. I was with my aunt and really wanted to go on it. So she let me....alone. It started and about 3 seconds into it I started freaking out. I was balling like....like.....like an 8 year old trapped in a horror elevator! Finally the sideshow freak who was running the "ride" stopped it and let me out. I think that's where I get the claustrophobia from...oh the repressed emotions from childhood.

The last time I really freaked out in a bad way, is when I thought I was going to die on my bicycle (the last post in case you missed it). I really thought I was done for. No brakes, no control, no hope. But alas, in both cases I came out unharmed. I'm sure I've been freaked out plenty of times in my life (hanging out on rolling trains, highway sign painting, back of cop cars etc...), but again, it's the first and last times that stick out the most.

I can also remember the first time I got REALLY hurt. I was cruising down a hill on my bicycle (I'm starting to see a trend here) during a wonderful Minnesota summer. So needless to say, I was t-shirtless, and rocking my super awesome muscles (this kid pictured is not me however). As I was cruising down this hill, I came to an un-forseen hazard--road construction. Why don't they put up signs or blinkie orange lights around here!?!? Anyway, I'm speeding away, not paying any attention to what's going around me, and the tires suddenly lose traction and start skidding out underneath me. The bike does a side slide, and I went down-and I slid for a good 40 feet on sand and gravel with no shirt on, shorts, and no shoes. The worst part about the whole thing is that I was about two miles away from my house. So I needed to hobble my bike home all busted up and embarrassed.

And the last time I really got hurt is lame. I was walking around barefoot over the fall, and stubbed my toe on my parents deck. It sounds boring and uneventful, but I was semi-running when I did it. I spun halfway around and knocked into the fence. Next thing I knew I couldn't walk for two days and I'm pretty sure I sprained it.

But alas, I don't really remember my first day of school. I remember short instances of a pre-school Jon being all cool, but I don't remember the day itself. I DO however remember my last day of school, and that was today!

On random notes:

The new Roots album (Rising Down) is actually pretty good. Check it out if you get a minute.

Now that school is done, more time can be spent on the book, reading and taking flicks.

I'm not sure why, but I dig the smell of libraries. Especially really old ones. That's nerdy isn't it?? Oh well.

I should be an advice column writer. Perhaps that is a new blog post in the future......or I'll include it into the book somewhere.

I hate doing the dishes. Above all, doing dishes is the worst of the household chores.

I should hit up the Riverview one of these nights.

I still haven't gotten my tabs for the bike. The roads are prime and weather is good, but I'm not on it.

Teaching 8th graders reminds me of how old I am (in relation to the new generations). But at the same time, how young I still am.

Any-who, I'm outy 5000. Be on the look out for a cool kid who might steal your steeze.

Spring time, and the living's easy

So it's spring time in Minnesota. You know what that means? That's right, a-squared, plus b-squared, equals c-squared! But on a real note, it means its time to come outside. So the weekend was buttery-nice to say the least! One exception: I almost killed myself on a bicycle.




So I get this urge to finally take my fixie down a real hill and make sure I can control it. Easy right?? No sir. I decided that the best hill for this is 50th street. I get it to where 35w is (since the bridge is taken out), and start heading down. All is good, until about 1/3rd of the way down. Oh snap, I'm going faster than I can control. And lets face it, I'm not exactly familiar with the handlebars yet. As I'm cruising down the hill at warp-fast speeds, I started thinking about stuff: Lando and the Millennium Falcon, Why did Kelly and Zach get married in Vegas? If I did fly over these handlebars--could I land on my feet? Nerds rope, Frank Sinatra, Peeps - and how they're still horrible, Garry Shandling, Bo Jackson, That kid in the toilet paper commercial who uses toilet paper as football padding and kool aid. As the bike is shaking like me next to an upper tank, I start wobbling back and forth on 50th. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die here. I'm still pretty lucky at this point because there are no cars.

I get to the bottom of the hill and still flying at warp speed. As I start to straighten out, I can finally get the pedals to slow down to a reasonable rate. I was pale white in the face, and my knuckles were bleached too. I felt like throwing that bike in the creek, but decided that walking home was lame, so I biked it. The next thing I did was go to the bike shop to get foot clamps and a front brake put on that thing. So my coolness level went down a bit, but my life expectancy may have increased a great deal. How does Mike Boo do this day in and day out in San Fran?? I remember going down quite a few steep hills with him, but he never had a problem! But on my first time, I almost ended up in Bill and Teds Bogus Journey.


On another note, the Vikings may have pulled another Hershal Walker and signed Jared Allen for way too many draft picks. Great. AND the Wild are one and done in the playoffs. Its great to be from Minnesota........


So I'm sorta tossing around an idea to write about the first and last times we've done something. Most of us can remember the first girl we kissed, the last girl, but never all those in between. We can remember the first car we were in, the last, but not the middle. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but it may be a good idea (or a horrible flop).


If any of you get a free minute, go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Its the trillest. Dracula rock ballad?? Classic....


Has anyone else seen Class of 1984? I've been looking for it everywhere, but it's apparently not in most movie stores....


My new quote that I said the other day, and I'm pretty sure I've NEVER heard anyone else say it before-- "Sometimes you have to go out on a limb - that's where the fruit is". I hope no one famous has said that because I want to get into one of those books of "daily quotes".

close, but not quite yet.

So these past few weeks have been busier than normal (hense the lack of whitty blogs)....gee wiz. So prior to contrary belief, I have not done the following: Joined up with the Warriors and am bopping back to Coney, Participating in a water ski competition to save a summer camp, buying a snowplow business, Building a flux capacitator, writing a movie called "Back to the Wolf" in which current day Michael J Fox travels back in time to meet himself as teenwolf, or playing goalie for the Wild......

So with that said, I'm out! I'll be back in a few days or so...

So THAT'S what that feeling is....

(I'm not sure what this cool cupcake has to do with anything, but it fit the theme I guess).




So as most of you know, this past weekend, the original Jon B was an official History Day judge. That's right, they put me in charge of kids futures in relation to school! Needless to say it was a great experience. Afterwards, a few sociology majors and me are talking about important things like the proper way to eat a marshmallow, when a girl comes up behind me and politely taps me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was one of the girls I judged. She says "Thanks for being my judge at the fair, it was really awesome, and I got voted into State". I replied that it was my pleasure and she should continue to pursue her interests in history. But then I got this feeling in my stomach. I assumed it was a kidney stone, but it wasn't. I took some Tums to try to combat the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. I then realized that the feeling wasn't indigestion, but the warm fuzzies. I did a good deed, and this is the feeling you get afterwards. The feeling quickly left when I put hot mustard in someones Coke as a prank....The feeling became one of hard-stomach-laughing!





This picture has nothing to do with anything, except that it reminded me of a young me...at least the kid has his hands full of priorities....



And the Twins won thier first game, but until they go out and find Bo Jackson, I doubt they'll win the World Series anytime soon...The Cubs on the other hand, will win it all this year. Mark my words my good friends. It is the Cubs' year!

Reasons why I can't keep a girlfriend

I'ts pretty much fictional, but enjoyable none the less....

I answer the question "What are you thinking about?" and "What's your fantasy?" truthfully.

• I find it ridiculous to write a Facebook post to anyone I have talked to in the last thirty minutes.
  
  
• I have the song "Bitches Ain't Shit" on my ipod and refuse to acknowledge that "Hey, There Delilah" is "our" song.
  
  
• I repeatedly misinterpret the word "sure" for "yes" and the phrase "Everything's fine" for "Everything's fine."
  
  
• I quote movie lines slightly incorrect right before they are said.
  
  
• I religiously pee in the shower.
  
  
• My sex drive exponentially increases when I'm told that you're "trying to fall asleep."
  
  
• I have confidence that Hallmark sums up my feelings pretty well.
  
  
• I enjoy being alone some nights.
  
  
• I laugh after thinking that the rhyme should be two in the pink, some of the pinky in the stink, SLAP, "Crap!" Tap, tap, tap (footsteps).
  
  
• I play the guitar poorly and often.
  
  
• I can't stop, addicted to the shin dig.
  
  
• I can't fall asleep if any part of anyone is touching me either directly or indirectly.
  
  
• My pet names for you always involve your tits and some sort of candy. "Licorice Tits"
  
  
• I would rather just give you 20 dollars cash than 20 dollars in a gift card.
  
  
• I compare any problem we have to either an episode of Boy Meets World (Shawn and Corey) or Scrubs (JD and Turk).
  
  
• I don't find it necessary to wash hands after onezies.
  
  
• I believe that jeans are the only clothing item that can be worn for two months straight on a three day rotation and not be disgusting.
  
  
• I stand by the ratio that two hours of Wii sports is equivalent to one hour of the real sport excluding bowling which is nearly a 1:1.
  
  
• I define sleeping in as missing breakfast and some of lunch, not 9:00 A.M.
  
  
  
• I am very afraid to poop in your apartment, resulting in a lot of sudden ends to dates and/or movies.
  
  
• If I find a synthetic fiber in my bed before I fall asleep, I floss with it. If I find floss in my bathroom before I go to bed, I don't.
  
  
  
• I didn't know there was such a thing as a four-month anniversary.
  
  
• I can only play the first nine seconds of "Blackbird" on my guitar.
  
  
• I tried using that, "I didn't know you had a sister!" joke with your mom but it turned into a fight about how I never listen to you.
  
  
• I sing songs that I "know" on the radio by emphasizing the last word of each line right after it is said.
  
  
• I think I know how to dance.
  
  
• I wear cologne and spray my junk twice for good luck.
  
  
• I share my cell phone plan with my entire family which gives me just under three minutes a day to speak.
  
  
• I don't send you enough bumper stickers on Facebook and when I do they never work.
  
  
  
• I always forget which friends of yours I get to make fun of.
  
  
• I would rather watch Sideways and Meatballs4 instead of hanging out with you.
  
  
• The ratio of "shoulder to upper-inner-thigh" massages I give is roughly 1:100.
  
  
• If I'm smiling, I'm happy. If I'm coughing, I'm sick. If I'm sleeping, I'm just tired, not pissed off.
  
  
• I'd rather do one long thirty-minute snooze than six, five-minute snoozes.
  
  
• When you ask me to pick you up at seven, I will show up at seven. If you want me to come earlier, ask me to come earlier.
  
  
• I am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything, except handjobs and Sex and the City re-runs.

Thanks College humor for making Jon B laugh today!

2 posts 2 days?? Whats this world comming to!?!?!?!

A shinebone is a usefull tool to find tables and park benches in the dark.-remember these wise words from Jon B!!

Cool like this, yes, cool like that

Something about ninjas is just funny. I don't know why. Some people tell me that they are played out like the Chuck Norris phase. I usually just hit those people in the kneecap with throwing star or something. They change their tune about ninjas REAL quick.

So one of the books that got me into writing (Frog Prince), is getting made into a movie. I think its going to be released in 2009 or something. Perhaps I should audition or something, but from what Dane tells me, its the kid who was in 3rd Rock From the Sun. I don't remember the guys name....

In a sidenote of funny, I will be one of the head judges for the Minnesota History Day fair. I would be one the last people you would want to put the hopes and dreams of students in....It should be trill. I get to dress up all smooth and ask questions like "How did this particular project reinforce or challenge your stereotypical views of what modern, popular culture, has? Cool right?? I didn't write that on my own, it's actually a real question. Questions I would ask are : Have you ever seen the movie Disorderlies starring the Fat Boys?? No? Sorry kid you fail. Question 2: Are fries better plain, or covered in cheese? Question 3: Whats your opinion on 2 Live Crew? Question 4: What is your stance on Zubas being brought back?? Question 5: Why wasn't Chris Tucker in Friday 2???? Why?!Why?!Why?!......sorry, random outburst.

On the list of cool things to happen, Twins start up in a little bit. I would be so much happier if we had some A-list players (Torii, Johan, Lew, Bo Jackson). I have a feeling that the Twins will share the same season as the Timberwolves. And by that, I mean barley being able to defeat Division 3 college teams. But mark my words, my Cubs are taking it home this year. Its been 99 years since their last championship, so how awesome would it be on the 100th year, they do it?? Hey, a young boy can dream right?? Remember what Ferris said?? "You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do.". Not like that quote has a lot to do with anything right now. I just thought that since Ferris was a cubbies fan, he should get some daps in here.

Since all my close friends moved to the 4 corners of the country, I feel like I should move away for a while. To Washington or Boston or something East. Maybe while I work on the Masters and attend Boston College. Hey, in between class I can catch a Celtics game and hang out with Larry Bird. Who knows.....The blog wouldn't be as cool as "Bostonsgreatest" though.

For those who get busy with the music, if you dig The Cool Kids, check out Pacific Division.

I have a feeling this is going to be a loooong week. It's only Tuesday and I'm worn out.
Sigh.

What Ski School has taught me about life

Every so often, a movie comes along that completely puts your life into perspective. Ski School was that movie for me while I was growing up. It pretty much taught me everything I could ever want to know about life, love and women. I re watched it tonight, and found that this movie is partly why I almost end up in jail every month. But, it also influenced some of the random things that spill from my cranium. Some things I have taken from this movie...

1. If life gets you down, just drink beer and throw a party. I mean c'mone, the authorities are threatening your whole outlook and purpose in life. Do you think it through as how to stop them? Heck no bro! Throw a kegger and party away those blues. It will fix itself in the end.

2. Women are easy. If you're a guy and you comb your hair like Zack Morris and crack a witty joke here and there, women will be ALL over you. Sometimes, they will want to sleep with you within the first 5 minutes of knowing them.

3. All the women at EVERY party are hot. And I'm not talking about a little-above-average-hot, I'm talking smokin' hot. So hot, that they melt the ice in your drink.

4. Women loved to be stalked. If you just keep trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, they will eventually realize that your one of the good guys, and totally sleep with you. If you're not sure how to approach a girl, just position yourself on top of a garage at night and stare at them while they are in a hot tub. If/when they see you, they will totally be into it, and suddenly, you're the new boyfriend.

5. Women hate bras. They will take them off anywhere to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. In the hottub, closet, ski slope and EVERY party they go to. As a guy, you should help them along with this. They will thank you in the end. Also, no woman on planet earth apparently has an A or B cup....

6. A party ain't a party unless there's black lights and neon. Imagine for a minute your at a party under they typical fluorescent lighting listening to Hungry like the wolf. Pretty lame right?? Now throw on some neon face and body paint along with some neon green and pink hats under a black light. That party suddenly became a million times cooler.

7.If you're dad owns a business, you need to make the poor peoples life miserable. I think this is pretty self explanatory. Also, you are allowed to forcefully pick up any chick that's in a room.

8. If you have beef with someone, ski it out. Who cares about yelling and throwing punches outside of a bar after closing?? If you and Joe Schmo have some issues, take it to the slopes! He made out with your girl? Ski....He punched your dog? Ski...He put ants in your bed while you slept? SKI IT OUT!!!!

9. Pranks are one of the greatest things in life. Especially if you can video tape them doing something outrageous and play it during their important speech. Put ants in the bed, itching powder in the undies or subliminally talk to them in their sleep so they think a certain way! Either way you slice it my friend, chicks love pranks. If you prank their boyfriend, they will leave that nerd in a SECOND for you.

10. Being the new guy in town is great. ALL the girls will think you're so mysterious, the cool-pranksters will welcome you, and the rich snobby kids (who you don't like anyway) will hate you immediately. You will be able to make out with any girl you want and run a muck.

Also, for some reason, only white people exist in snow-heavy climates......

So I guess that was just a little introverted look into my life and why I think spooning is so wonderful.

There's something rather calming about snow falling at night. It seems that it's happening more and more here in Minneapolis. I am eager for spring to arrive and thaw out these frozen ambitions.

On an unrelated note, stay away from 46th street off 35W. It seems that the on and off ramp are closed, AND the bridge is going to be closed for a while.....oh those MNDoT nerds....