Yo Sniz-ap

So this past weekend was the Pride festival in Minneapolis. From what I understand, it's the largest in the Midwest. I could care less what the events are about, I'm a festival-nut. I go to all those art fairs and music venues-in-the-parks in the Twin Cities. I didn't really get a chance to bike to this festival, but Batman took part in the parade. I guess that explains a lot......

All in all it's a fine time to be in Minneapolis. With the exception of the other 9 months of the year (i.e. winter) the Twin Cities are the place to live.

I figured I'd put in a picture of Minnehaha Falls in the middle of summer. Sometimes you forget that this exists in a major city. Along with the lakes, creeks, hobos and other natural beauties.

Speaking of which, I think I'm off to do some biking....Happy Monday.

-JB

Advice from you-know-who

Hey all. So it's that time of the month where I take a moment and answer all your important, burning questions and hope to aid in some life advice.

Dear Jon,

I'm looking for a song for my summer. I want this song to be reeaaaallly goood. You see, I just graduated high school and I need a theme song to make this summer memorable. Any advice?
Thanks- Mr. No SummerSongs

Mr No SummerSong,
If I were to pick a song to sum up my summer, it would be Luchini by Camp Lo. You really can't go wrong here. Other then that, go for something like a smooth country song. Most country songs take place in the warm weather. But unlike me in high school, stay away from songs like Summertime Girls, and Summer in the City. Though it may be fitting, Summertime by The Fresh Prince should be avoided by someone as young as you. Hope it helps.

Dear Jon, You know how everyone is saying "So is your face" and "that's what she said"? Well I want a new and cool saying that will catch on. Any advice on how to find such a saying??
-Cassie

Cass,
Sexual innuendos are hilarious. They always be. Start a new one! Here's what you need to do: Pick ANY task. Washing windows, baking bread, making peanut butter & jelly or tying shoes. Every time you see an attractive guy (or girl), turn to your friend and say you would do said task on them. Example "Oh snap! I'd butter her bread". Or "I'd balance his checkbook". Capisce?

Dear Jon,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for like three months. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not sure what to get her. Something that says how much I care, or something practical? I don't want her to think I'm over-doing it.....
- Albert

Al,
I know A LOT about women and what they want. Have you not seen that classic Mel Gibson flick? Women love a guy who can take it to the next level. I would recommend getting her some clothes. But buy them super big. That way she can grow into them in the next 8 months (she'll put on plenty of weight during your dating time). Women also really like sports. Get her a basketball signed by Larry Bird, or a football with Jerry Rices' signature on it. She will no doubt be speechless. If all else fails go with a Keith Sweat CD. Women love that guy for some reason.....

Dear Jon,
Last time I wrote, you recommended a Color Me Badd song for my wedding. Well, since I take your advice seriously, I brought that up to my lady. Needless to say, I'm writing this from my couch--alone. What can I do to get her back?
-Mr. No Song

What? That didn't work? I say good riddance. Any lady who doesn't like the sultry swingings of I wanna sex you up isn't worth spending the rest of your life with. I say go out this Friday and find a nice girl who will appreciate classical music. I think the best bet is to go to a karaoke bar and request the following: Poisen, Sex You Up, Every Little Step I Take, Candy Girl or Hangin' Tough. Look for the girls that are obviously drinking too much and really into your song. After the song approach them and say "That was for you". Guarantee it working for ou.

Dear Summer

Dear Andrea, You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life (except the time I got those new Air Jordans). - Sam




I read that and laughed. Why? ?Because it's true.




But anywho, The other day while in my car, sitting in traffic in uptown, I'm skipping through the radio. Of all the 15 stations, I can only find 3 songs: Flowrider, Silly, and some song with a voicebox. When all of a sudden Stay by Lisa Loeb comes on. I'm not really paying attention to what's going on around me, and I leave the volume of the radio a tad high. Since it's a nice day out in Minneapolis, the windows and sunroof are wide open. And, for whatever reason, I began to mumble the words to the song (most of us can remember EVERY word for that song-they only played it 333, 694 times a day in the 90's). As I'm still waiting to turn, a car full of high school/college freshman-aged girls pulls up next to me and begin laughing hysterically at the fact that this song is on, and I'm bumbling along with it. I'm semi-embarrassed that they caught me singing to a song such as this. So (because I knew I would never see them again), I pretended to sob and yell at them "You just don't understand her like I do! You just CAN'T"!!!! The look on their faces went from laughing to freaked out. Then I made my left turn down Lake Street and out of their lives. I'm pretty sure they are retelling their friends with the story of some super-cute guy who was singing along to a chick song, but turned out to be a mega-freak! I enjoy making little differences in peoples lives on a daily basis. I really love summer.




Over the weekend I stole a limo. Not really hot wired it like Bruce Willis, but more-or-less commandeered it. We were at a REAL swanky wedding at Interlachen (and I knew no one, and I really don't care for weddings). So we got sat at a table with a few other couples at the reception--who I did not feel like chatting with. Anyway, a few glasses of wine later and we're all talking. Turns out they're not half bad. So one of them comes back from the bar and says "the host bar is over, drinks are about $9. We could go to the store and buy a whole bottle for that"! Then a guy on the other side of the table says "We should take the limo to the store and get some". I stand up and yell "Lets go" and start dashing out the door. All I really wanted was a redbull because I was driving that night. But everyone else was surprised that the calm, quite fellow sitting at their table turned out to be the world famous trickster-Jon B. Needless to say ten minutes later we were cruising in a limo to get bagged booze. Apparently, Edina liquor stores do not believe in Joose or 40's. Classy as Cory Feldman. I wish I had pictures, but I don't use a digital camera.



I'm sure you noticed the smooth prom picture from 1986. I'm trying to find the best/funniest/classiest prom and wedding pictures lately.....I'm not sure why.



I really like these guys at a junior prom. Everyone is so hardcore-except the guy in the bottom left. He's just happy to be out with his new gang.

Well, I'm off to watch either Rookie of the Year or Little Big League. See ya!

-JB