So THAT'S what that feeling is....

(I'm not sure what this cool cupcake has to do with anything, but it fit the theme I guess).




So as most of you know, this past weekend, the original Jon B was an official History Day judge. That's right, they put me in charge of kids futures in relation to school! Needless to say it was a great experience. Afterwards, a few sociology majors and me are talking about important things like the proper way to eat a marshmallow, when a girl comes up behind me and politely taps me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was one of the girls I judged. She says "Thanks for being my judge at the fair, it was really awesome, and I got voted into State". I replied that it was my pleasure and she should continue to pursue her interests in history. But then I got this feeling in my stomach. I assumed it was a kidney stone, but it wasn't. I took some Tums to try to combat the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. I then realized that the feeling wasn't indigestion, but the warm fuzzies. I did a good deed, and this is the feeling you get afterwards. The feeling quickly left when I put hot mustard in someones Coke as a prank....The feeling became one of hard-stomach-laughing!





This picture has nothing to do with anything, except that it reminded me of a young me...at least the kid has his hands full of priorities....



And the Twins won thier first game, but until they go out and find Bo Jackson, I doubt they'll win the World Series anytime soon...The Cubs on the other hand, will win it all this year. Mark my words my good friends. It is the Cubs' year!

Reasons why I can't keep a girlfriend

I'ts pretty much fictional, but enjoyable none the less....

I answer the question "What are you thinking about?" and "What's your fantasy?" truthfully.

• I find it ridiculous to write a Facebook post to anyone I have talked to in the last thirty minutes.
  
  
• I have the song "Bitches Ain't Shit" on my ipod and refuse to acknowledge that "Hey, There Delilah" is "our" song.
  
  
• I repeatedly misinterpret the word "sure" for "yes" and the phrase "Everything's fine" for "Everything's fine."
  
  
• I quote movie lines slightly incorrect right before they are said.
  
  
• I religiously pee in the shower.
  
  
• My sex drive exponentially increases when I'm told that you're "trying to fall asleep."
  
  
• I have confidence that Hallmark sums up my feelings pretty well.
  
  
• I enjoy being alone some nights.
  
  
• I laugh after thinking that the rhyme should be two in the pink, some of the pinky in the stink, SLAP, "Crap!" Tap, tap, tap (footsteps).
  
  
• I play the guitar poorly and often.
  
  
• I can't stop, addicted to the shin dig.
  
  
• I can't fall asleep if any part of anyone is touching me either directly or indirectly.
  
  
• My pet names for you always involve your tits and some sort of candy. "Licorice Tits"
  
  
• I would rather just give you 20 dollars cash than 20 dollars in a gift card.
  
  
• I compare any problem we have to either an episode of Boy Meets World (Shawn and Corey) or Scrubs (JD and Turk).
  
  
• I don't find it necessary to wash hands after onezies.
  
  
• I believe that jeans are the only clothing item that can be worn for two months straight on a three day rotation and not be disgusting.
  
  
• I stand by the ratio that two hours of Wii sports is equivalent to one hour of the real sport excluding bowling which is nearly a 1:1.
  
  
• I define sleeping in as missing breakfast and some of lunch, not 9:00 A.M.
  
  
  
• I am very afraid to poop in your apartment, resulting in a lot of sudden ends to dates and/or movies.
  
  
• If I find a synthetic fiber in my bed before I fall asleep, I floss with it. If I find floss in my bathroom before I go to bed, I don't.
  
  
  
• I didn't know there was such a thing as a four-month anniversary.
  
  
• I can only play the first nine seconds of "Blackbird" on my guitar.
  
  
• I tried using that, "I didn't know you had a sister!" joke with your mom but it turned into a fight about how I never listen to you.
  
  
• I sing songs that I "know" on the radio by emphasizing the last word of each line right after it is said.
  
  
• I think I know how to dance.
  
  
• I wear cologne and spray my junk twice for good luck.
  
  
• I share my cell phone plan with my entire family which gives me just under three minutes a day to speak.
  
  
• I don't send you enough bumper stickers on Facebook and when I do they never work.
  
  
  
• I always forget which friends of yours I get to make fun of.
  
  
• I would rather watch Sideways and Meatballs4 instead of hanging out with you.
  
  
• The ratio of "shoulder to upper-inner-thigh" massages I give is roughly 1:100.
  
  
• If I'm smiling, I'm happy. If I'm coughing, I'm sick. If I'm sleeping, I'm just tired, not pissed off.
  
  
• I'd rather do one long thirty-minute snooze than six, five-minute snoozes.
  
  
• When you ask me to pick you up at seven, I will show up at seven. If you want me to come earlier, ask me to come earlier.
  
  
• I am a firm believer that there is a time and place for everything, except handjobs and Sex and the City re-runs.

Thanks College humor for making Jon B laugh today!

2 posts 2 days?? Whats this world comming to!?!?!?!

A shinebone is a usefull tool to find tables and park benches in the dark.-remember these wise words from Jon B!!

Cool like this, yes, cool like that

Something about ninjas is just funny. I don't know why. Some people tell me that they are played out like the Chuck Norris phase. I usually just hit those people in the kneecap with throwing star or something. They change their tune about ninjas REAL quick.

So one of the books that got me into writing (Frog Prince), is getting made into a movie. I think its going to be released in 2009 or something. Perhaps I should audition or something, but from what Dane tells me, its the kid who was in 3rd Rock From the Sun. I don't remember the guys name....

In a sidenote of funny, I will be one of the head judges for the Minnesota History Day fair. I would be one the last people you would want to put the hopes and dreams of students in....It should be trill. I get to dress up all smooth and ask questions like "How did this particular project reinforce or challenge your stereotypical views of what modern, popular culture, has? Cool right?? I didn't write that on my own, it's actually a real question. Questions I would ask are : Have you ever seen the movie Disorderlies starring the Fat Boys?? No? Sorry kid you fail. Question 2: Are fries better plain, or covered in cheese? Question 3: Whats your opinion on 2 Live Crew? Question 4: What is your stance on Zubas being brought back?? Question 5: Why wasn't Chris Tucker in Friday 2???? Why?!Why?!Why?!......sorry, random outburst.

On the list of cool things to happen, Twins start up in a little bit. I would be so much happier if we had some A-list players (Torii, Johan, Lew, Bo Jackson). I have a feeling that the Twins will share the same season as the Timberwolves. And by that, I mean barley being able to defeat Division 3 college teams. But mark my words, my Cubs are taking it home this year. Its been 99 years since their last championship, so how awesome would it be on the 100th year, they do it?? Hey, a young boy can dream right?? Remember what Ferris said?? "You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do.". Not like that quote has a lot to do with anything right now. I just thought that since Ferris was a cubbies fan, he should get some daps in here.

Since all my close friends moved to the 4 corners of the country, I feel like I should move away for a while. To Washington or Boston or something East. Maybe while I work on the Masters and attend Boston College. Hey, in between class I can catch a Celtics game and hang out with Larry Bird. Who knows.....The blog wouldn't be as cool as "Bostonsgreatest" though.

For those who get busy with the music, if you dig The Cool Kids, check out Pacific Division.

I have a feeling this is going to be a loooong week. It's only Tuesday and I'm worn out.
Sigh.

What Ski School has taught me about life

Every so often, a movie comes along that completely puts your life into perspective. Ski School was that movie for me while I was growing up. It pretty much taught me everything I could ever want to know about life, love and women. I re watched it tonight, and found that this movie is partly why I almost end up in jail every month. But, it also influenced some of the random things that spill from my cranium. Some things I have taken from this movie...

1. If life gets you down, just drink beer and throw a party. I mean c'mone, the authorities are threatening your whole outlook and purpose in life. Do you think it through as how to stop them? Heck no bro! Throw a kegger and party away those blues. It will fix itself in the end.

2. Women are easy. If you're a guy and you comb your hair like Zack Morris and crack a witty joke here and there, women will be ALL over you. Sometimes, they will want to sleep with you within the first 5 minutes of knowing them.

3. All the women at EVERY party are hot. And I'm not talking about a little-above-average-hot, I'm talking smokin' hot. So hot, that they melt the ice in your drink.

4. Women loved to be stalked. If you just keep trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, they will eventually realize that your one of the good guys, and totally sleep with you. If you're not sure how to approach a girl, just position yourself on top of a garage at night and stare at them while they are in a hot tub. If/when they see you, they will totally be into it, and suddenly, you're the new boyfriend.

5. Women hate bras. They will take them off anywhere to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling. In the hottub, closet, ski slope and EVERY party they go to. As a guy, you should help them along with this. They will thank you in the end. Also, no woman on planet earth apparently has an A or B cup....

6. A party ain't a party unless there's black lights and neon. Imagine for a minute your at a party under they typical fluorescent lighting listening to Hungry like the wolf. Pretty lame right?? Now throw on some neon face and body paint along with some neon green and pink hats under a black light. That party suddenly became a million times cooler.

7.If you're dad owns a business, you need to make the poor peoples life miserable. I think this is pretty self explanatory. Also, you are allowed to forcefully pick up any chick that's in a room.

8. If you have beef with someone, ski it out. Who cares about yelling and throwing punches outside of a bar after closing?? If you and Joe Schmo have some issues, take it to the slopes! He made out with your girl? Ski....He punched your dog? Ski...He put ants in your bed while you slept? SKI IT OUT!!!!

9. Pranks are one of the greatest things in life. Especially if you can video tape them doing something outrageous and play it during their important speech. Put ants in the bed, itching powder in the undies or subliminally talk to them in their sleep so they think a certain way! Either way you slice it my friend, chicks love pranks. If you prank their boyfriend, they will leave that nerd in a SECOND for you.

10. Being the new guy in town is great. ALL the girls will think you're so mysterious, the cool-pranksters will welcome you, and the rich snobby kids (who you don't like anyway) will hate you immediately. You will be able to make out with any girl you want and run a muck.

Also, for some reason, only white people exist in snow-heavy climates......

So I guess that was just a little introverted look into my life and why I think spooning is so wonderful.

There's something rather calming about snow falling at night. It seems that it's happening more and more here in Minneapolis. I am eager for spring to arrive and thaw out these frozen ambitions.

On an unrelated note, stay away from 46th street off 35W. It seems that the on and off ramp are closed, AND the bridge is going to be closed for a while.....oh those MNDoT nerds....

Jon B-The 1 live crew

First of all, i would like to state that bars that don't carry 2 Live Crew on their jukebox and/or satellite collection, should be ashamed. All I wanted was a little Doo Wah Diddy, and I had to settle for Jefferson Starship. I guess that's OK...

Second, heaven must taste like an orange energy drink. I have thought about writing an entire tv pilot based on John Travolta and Tony Danza and Joose. It will come out one day. I promise.

Thirdly, hanging out with the trillest of trill people all night is great. I mean GREAT. Apparently, I am one humorous cat when it comes down to it. I mean, who can state that the only way women dig him is by drinking mouthwash and also has a fascination with knifes and forks that spoon?? We finally decided that my thinking process is like a 9-lane highway that suddenly comes to a 1 lane road that goes into the tunnel. Of the ten thousand cars (or thoughts) that try to get through, only a few can pass into the tunnel. Sometimes they're great ideas and notions, other times they are uncomfortably random. The others are either forced to wait, or end up in a junk pile.

I often wonder: If Purina cat chow is made with real tuna, how come I can't eat it??

All Joose and no play make Jon a fun boy!

Nothin wrong with a little baby fat-fat! (speaking of that, everyone should check out De La Souls Baby Phat),

As soon as Sammie gets pics online, I'll try to put some on here.

I really want to go the the gym right now, but I know there are going to be farting old people there until the afternoon.

Most random text I've gotten in a long time: (from Mike Boo). "Walking by the Marcy Projects right now".

I like nachos. But not nachos that require work to find the chips at the bottom of all that gooey goodness.

April 3rd- The return of good TV comes back!

Its odd how some smells can bring ya back.

So in filling out my final four bracket, I entered the champion as the Bayside Tigers. I'm still waiting for a reply email from someone saying "that's not even a team in the bracket".

Its good to be me sometimes. If other people spoke and did the ridiculous things I do, they would be shunned. But when I do it, it suddenly becomes funny.

I also came upon history/politics books that were printed in 1874 (given by my aunt). That made me quite surprised and very intrigued considering I'm co-writing a book about American History told through texts......

Conceited, stuck up, self centered, arrogant, cocky -all words that other people call me these days.....hmm.

My week of surviving off peanut butter and jelly, turkey and tuna sandwiches should be over come Monday. Kristens cooking....mmmmmmmmm.

So I'm reading this article about attracting women, and its number 4 item was :Don't rap. Are you kidding me?? How is a smooth talker such as myself supposed to NOT rap?!?! impossible task....that's my bread and butter move!

I have way too many thoughts right now...plus I need some sleep. Maybe I should pick up the book and continue on........

Somewhat lost but not forgotten

So the other day I'm talking to Kristen, and I say "Psshhhh, I'm smoother than Gerardo". She was puzzled to say the least. She really had no clue who Gerardo was. I then pose the question "Ok, how about Rico Suave"? And she immediately knew who that was. I started to feel bad for ol' Gerardo. I mean, not many people on earth know you by your name, but everyone seems to know you by a tune you created. No one seems to care that you are one of the greatest performing artists off all time, let alone one of the best song writers EVER! You don't believe me? well let me just give you a sample of the lyrical stylings of the Gerardo::

So please don't judge a book by its cover/There's more to being a Latin lover/You got to know how to deal with a woman/That won't let go/The price you pay for being a gigolo.

Can you really deny this guy?? I would rank him up there with Bob Dylan and Herbie Hancock as popular musicians!!

I've decided to find this guy and do a reality show. It is going to involve him doing some kind of dance moves over and over. I haven't thought this show all the way through (obviously). Perhaps I can have him be a life coach or something. On a sidenote, where was this guy during all these "celebrity" shows?? Like dancing with the stars?? I'll tell you why they never called him: Because all the female judges would want to knock boots with this guy, and really, who could blame them.

Here's a secret: Somewhere in my trunk, there is a large orange 'S'. And somewhere at the Mall of America, someone is agreeing with this display. Enjoy......

It also seems that here in the good old city of snow, we are finally ending the cold weather. It was about 50 degrees and sunny today, and if it weren't for my pestering cold, I would have been out on either the bicycle or fitting into some nice running shoes.

I sometimes wish I still got a summer vacation.....

Speaking of a summer vacation, I need to hop a plane, train or automobile to somewhere in the US this year. Any ideas???

Books and crooks and books more!

"Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers."
-Charles W. Eliot, The Happy Life, 1896

It's strange, as a teen, I didn't care much for reading. Now that I've grown older, I've come to appreciate all that it is. I sometimes lose time while in a bookstore. One hand full of warm coffee, the other fingering through pages of lived experiences. This semester of school is a dragging one (but hey, which one has been easy?). Once it is all over, I fully plan to finish writing the book. It's been pieced together here and there over the past year or so. Fiction has become a rarity in my life, which has been a rather unpleasant fact. Don't get me wrong, Zinn and Ward are wonderful to read, but I sometimes long for those stories that aren't based on real events. Those are the ones that often make your real life better.

On an unrelated note, I finally got the chance to see the Russian Museum of Art in Minneapolis. I can't really put it into words, but it's well worth the price of admission ($5). Top it off with some Alexander Pushkin and some Peter and the Wolf, and you have yourself an interesting night.

And on another unrelated note, Drew will be in town in a few days. It's always good when the foundations of your life come up to the windows every once in a while for a visit. As you can see, this is a very crooked photo of Drew at my house (circa 1999) eating Ramen noodles and letting me know about the Westside....

I also posed 2 questions that I haven't quite been able to shake out of my head. 1. How much of our life is the result of luck, whether good or bad? 2. If given the chance, what part of your life would you re-do? Either relive, or change completely? Maybe I will resolve these in the coming weeks and include them into the book somehow.....

Daylight savings time is lame. I still haven't adjusted....guh.

Happy Sunday. - Jon

4

I guess numb is the feeling that best describes the way I feel. After 17 years Brett decided to hang it up. I can't believe it. 17 years, not a single game missed. It's not like we're talking ping pong here, its pro football. For the good and bad times, the largest portion of my life has been set to Sundays watching the Packers play. Players have come and gone, but one stayed the same.

I still have drawings I did from the 6th grade. They are of Brett Favre throwing a pass to Sterling Sharpe. It's funny how some things change, and others stay continual.

Over the past few hours I've been hearing about "The greatest quarterbacks ever" speeches. And people are actually arguing about it. That's something that is open to interpretation for everyone. Do I consider Favre the best of all time? No. Is he my personal favorite player of all time. Yes. And that leads me to argue that he is the best. I would take Elway, Montana and Marino before Favre as the best ever. But if I had to pick one player to watch over, and over, it would be Favre-hands down. C'mone, I like Kemp way more than I ever liked Jordan.

The worst part about him leaving is that his last NFL pass was an interception. An interception that allowed the Giants to go to the Superbowl. I would feel a whole lot better if Favre retired after a Superbowl appearance. But I guess that only happens in fantasy land (cough*cough Elway).

I honestly can't seem to find the words to write, so I'll leave it at that.

I must admit, the next time I watch the Packers play, there is going to be a very large void there. Oddly, I know I won't be the only one who notices it.