Note to the reader: Normally I don't write about things
where "you had to be there". So, for those who
don't know about Steve, this may be irrelevant to you.
On the flip side, those who do know the Dahl, might get a
chuckle out of it. P.S. This is the junk I think up on a 6 hour
break in school.
So some of you might remember my incident with my future self a few months ago. In case you didn't, check the speeze blogs (its there somewhere). Anyway, my future self came back to the past to tell me of an event I should avoid in a few years. It was a rather funny incident and after it was over, I moved on. But last night, as I'm sleeping snug in my bed, dreaming of being a ninja, I get a finger in my nose. I thought I imagined it, until I got a wet finger in my ear. As I opened up my eyes, I saw what appeared to be a 32 year old Steve Dahl. I didn't imagine it at all. The following is what happened next (as best as I can remember it).....
" Steve, why on earth are you in my bedroom"? I asked.
He replied "Long story my non-Jewish friend ,but I need your help".
I sort of feard the worse "Uhh...why aren't you wearing pants"??
Steve became rather offended at that question and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me, and raising his voice. "Damn you Jon B, there's no time for pointless questions! That is between me, a lampshade, a gallon of kool-aid and a duck, now, get out of bed and help me". I was still a little drowsy and out of place from being awoke from my slumber, but I did manage to put two odd facts together. "Steve, I really hope you used a different finger than the one you put in my nose, to lick and then wet willy me....". Steve looked a little confused and sheepish and said "Oh, I...uh...guess I didn't think about that. I'm going to wash my hands now". And he walked off to the bathroom. At this point I haven't noticed his age. Then he walked back in and flipped on the light.
"Geez, why the hell do you look so old"? I said as he walked in. "Because my friend, I'm from the future". Not again, I thought. He continued on. "You see JB, I talked to your future self a while back and he told me how he traveled back in time to come here. But that's beside the point. Last night during a party, you bought my soul for $10. It was just like that Simpsons episode where Bart sold his soul to Milhouse. Now I'm all messed up and I need to get my soul back". I sat there rather puzzled why I would buy Steve's soul for ten dollars. "Um, If I bought your soul 8 years in the future, why are you coming back to now"? "Damn you JB, I already told you there's no time for dumb questions. Now lets get moving and get my soul back".
I got out of bed and started making some coffee to ease my waking. "Steve, how exactly do you propose we get your soul back"? I asked. "I don't really know, but I do know that we have to get it back...STAT!! We could build a machine or something. Orrrr maaaaaybbee if I killed you, you wouldn't be around to buy my soul in the first place.......or not, I'm not really the violent type". Thank god, I really didn't feel like getting stabbed by a spork today. I was still puzzled as to how we were supposed to get a soul back that was sold in the future. But, as Steve already put it, I wasn't allowed to ask questions. "Maybe Steve, we could do a bunch of the things you used to do, and your soul would re-generate". Steve looked like a light bulb went off above his head. "You know Jon, we could do all the wild and crazy things I used to do, and that might get my soul back". I shook my head and said "Well. Lets get to it".
Our first stop lead us to the Lake Street McDonald's. I assumed that we were going to order the breakfast meal,but Steve had other plans. Even though No one was looking at us, he felt the need to get on his belly and creep around the tables Rambo-style. I stood there and watched as he peeked up over the condiments counter and looked left and right really fast. "RUN JON B, RUN" he yelled as he jumped to his feet, grabbed two huge hand fulls of straws and started running for the door. We burst out of the parking lot running towards the car. As we were turning the corner, a car pulled out in front of us. As I was looking behind me at Steve laughing, I didn't even notice her. I slammed right into the car and through the passenger window...Knocked unconscious.
I awoke to the too-familiar feeling of the back seat of a cop car. Sure enough, it was. I sat up and looked out the window. My vision was a little hazy, but I could make out the lady crying and talking to the note-taking cop. "He just ran right through my window...I'm pretty sure he's on that crack...If he didn't knock himself out, I'm sure he would have car-jacked me". She told the cop sobbing. The cop looked towards me and I ducked back down. "Well, you can never be too safe with these dope fiends and their car jacking habits". The cop told the lady. They started to walk off (I'm assuming to gather more lies about me for her story), and I thought, wait, did this Steve thing really happen, or was that some strange dream? I peered into some bushes and saw Steve crouching behind them. I started tapping on the window to get his attention. He didn't look, so I banged on the window and started yelling at him. He turned around and said "Damnit Jon, I'm taking a dump, I'll be over there in a minute". About 5 minutes passed and he started creeping towards the car. Both hands still full of straws. "Steve, you gotta get me out of here". "I know, I've been working on a plan, but all I can come up with is making one REALLY big straw to drink fruit punch out of..". "How the hell is that going to get me out of this cop car"? I asked. "Oh, like I'm supposed to think of everything, I don't see you coming up with any great ideas Jon". He was right. We needed a way to get me out of this sticky situation. As I was staring off into the distance trying to formulate some way to help, Steve opens the front door and gets in. "Whoa, are you going to steal this car"?!?! I asked. Steve turned around and gave me a disappointed look. "Jon, this isn't some 1980's movie where people steal cars and drive around town with Patrick Swayze, and macking on chicks in spandex. I'm just going to put it in neutral and push you out into the street". "WHAT"! I screamed, but as I was trying to talk him out of it, he put the car in neutral and started pushing me into Lake Street.
As the car was rolling backwards, I started contemplating my life and all the things I wish I would have done. One of those things being NOT going out with Steve today. The cop noticed the car leaving the lot, and started running towards it. Too late. A Brinks security truck came around the corner and smacked the side of the car, sending it into a barrel roll. Up until this point, I never wished there were seatbelts in the back of cop cars. But as me and the car were rolling, the back window got shattered and when the car came to a halt, I was able to climb out the back. Bloody and bruised I was thankful that I was free, but pissed at the fact Steve couldn't just unlock the door and let me out.
The cop could have cared less that I was escaping, all he cared about was his precious car (that he was crying on his knees over). Steve runs up on me and asked "Are you alright? That was c-a-razy!". I felt like strangling him, but decided since I own his soul in the future, I guess we're even. We decided that getting out of the area was the best idea. We hopped in a cab and headed back to the old neighborhood.
One the way back, we stopped in at the Synders for a Kempswich. We noticed that there was no one in the store. We looked everywhere for the cashier person, but there was nothing. "I wonder where the hell everyone is"? Steve asked. Then we heard a commotion in the back. We hear someone yelling "Get down and stay down". I looked at Steve "Sounds like they're getting robbed". "Gee Jon, what tipped you off on that one? Sheesh, you should be on CSI or something", he said while rolling his eyes. "You know Dahl, I'm getting sick of your sarcasm..." Just then someone comes running from the back shooting a gun in the air. I looked at the guy, and couldn't help but notice that he looked really familiar....."Oh my god, it's Charlie Sheen"! I yelled. Steve started jumping up and down clapping his hands like a little school girl. Charlie came out and says "Did either one of you see what happened back there"? Me and Steve gave each other a look...."Ummmm, no" I said. Charlie seemed a little jittery. Charlie asks "You guys know where uptown is"?? "Yeah...." I replied. Then he whips out a gun and points it at us. "Ok guys, here's the deal. You're going to help me get to this uptown place so I can get outta here. I just robbed this store for a whole lot of cash, and I need to get to uptown and catch a plane". I wasn't sure what he meant by catching a plane in uptown, but we figured it would be in our best interest to not get shot by Mr. Major League. So we helped him steal a car.
I really didn't have the heart to tell him that uptown was only about a mile and a half away from the Snyders. Steve seemed really excited to be in a car with Charlie because he kept smelling his hair. It was kinda weird. After about twenty minutes of driving around the same block, Charlie realized that Steve's directions were just "take a right at this next corner". If was funny to start with, but the Sheen started getting really pissed off. "OK you little ass clowns, tell me how to get to...". and just then he slammed the car into a curb, and into an electrical box. It knocked out the power to the whole block with an explosion. We all got out of the car and started running from the scene. Steve only made it about ten steps before he collapsed to the ground. Sheen picked him up and threw him over his shoulder and continued running. I couldn't help but picture the drowning scene in The Sandlot. We got down to about 42nd street before el Sheen decided to rest.
I asked Charlie "Whats this plane in uptown you're looking to catch? The airport is about ten miles in the opposite direction". Steve became offended "Jon, that's really non of your concern, and I would appreciate it if you stayed out of his personal affairs". I guess he was right. Charlie replied "Do you know who I am?? I'm one of the biggest stars in the world. I was in Hot Shots Part 1 and Deux, I don't use the regular airport like you common folk. Now, my private jet is waiting in uptown, and I need you to jockies to get me there.....or else". Again, we decide that getting shot by a guy who was in Ferris Beullers Day Off and Men at Work wasn't the best choice for us. We hopped the 18 bus to uptown. Sheen took a nap on the way there. As soon as we hit Lake Street, he awoke and jumped out of the window and took off running. "Should we go after him"? I asked Steve. "No Jon, let him go....just let him go".
Well, since that random guy was gone, what should we do now? I asked.
"I dunno B of oners, but my soul is far from back".
I shook my head, I did feel a little responsible for him not having his soul back. "Well then Steve, what do you feel up to"?
"Actually, you know those horses you put a quarter in"?
"Yeah......"
"Lets go find one. I haven't ridden on of those in years".
I couldn't help but find that request a little strange. Though, this is the same guy who wore white t's for years on end. Strange is nothing new in this book. We searched uptown for about an hour before we found a mechanical horse sitting outside the Kowalskis grocery store. Steve seemed so happy, he started sweating. He ran full blast at the horse, and for whatever reason, didn't slow down. He ran right into the horse, knocked it through the front of the store, and shattered glass everywhere. As he stood up, wiping glass off his shoulders and knees, he looked at the horse (broken in 3 pieces now), pointed his finger at it, and said "That's what trill is all about you bi-a-tch".
Was it my place to ask why on earth he did that? Not really. I just assumed it had something to do with a past childhood memory. While he was doing a touchdown-celebration over the horse, I went into the store for a Heath bar. Upon exiting, I found out Steve was missing. I almost felt relieved. This wacky night/morning wasn't what I had wanted to do. Good, now I can go back home, try to salvage some sleep and get on with my life. As I walked down Hennepin avenue, I felt an odd feeling of being watched. I took a quick turn down an alley and started jogging. In case someone was chasing me (i.e. the police) I could get out of here quicker. Out of nowhere, I was tripped up by a banana. No, not the cool cartoon slipping, but some nut in a banana suit tackled my legs. Go figure--it was Steve. "Heeey buuuuudy. check out this pimp ass suit I stol....er....found".
Ok, this was getting out of hand. I'm sleep deprived, sore, and now hanging out with a guy in a banana suit. But honestly, could I expect anything less at this point?--no. We go on the next bus and headed towards downtown. Steve was babbling on an on about how all he needed to do, was eat a chocolate-chipper. The only place I knew to get one of those was Perkins. And hopefully, The Baron would be working. We jumped off the bus, and Steve said "You know, I think after we get this chocolate-chipper, my life will be back to normal".
We decided that the quickest way there is by cab. We didn't see one for blocks, so we started walking. The sun was almost over the buildings now, and the downtown streets were a buzz with suits and ties. As we were walking through the streets I asked a question I should have asked a long time ago. "Steve, what's the future like"? He replied "Well my good friend, its boring. Remember back in the day how everyone wanted to 'go green'? Well, eventually it took a turn for the worse. ST. Paul actually painted its streets green, people stopped driving cars, vitamin water was distributed through water fountains, and Fred Savage became a state senator for Minnesota". "What?? Fred Savage??"? "Yes, good old Kevin Arnold is now a state politician. The other state senator is his little brother Ben. Oddly enough, one of the first laws they got passed, is that the 3rd Thursday of every month would be known as 'Bayside Day'. Which is rather strange because neither one of them was on Saved By The Bell. But the good thing is that people rock horrible 90's clothes and pester nerds, dweebs and dorks".
The future sounds oddly cool. We finally flagged a cab and got in. I fell asleep on the ride over to Perkins, but Dahl woke me up when we got there. We went in and Ritchie was not working. It was strange to see his face on the wall for 9 straight "employee of the months". Kudos to Das Baron. We sat down and ordered a chocolate chipper, coffee, and some belgin waffles.
As Steve was eating, he had a nervous look on his face. Finally he said "Jon B, I have something to tell you". I half expected him to say that my future would turn out like a young Marty McFly. "You never bought my soul. Everything is good in the future". I didn't know how to respond.
"So why the hell did you make all that stuff up and come through that space-continuam-thingy"?
"Well, I was bored, and I heard your future self talking about how cool is was to go to the past and all. I thought it was a better idea than watching Ace Ventura in my living room".
I wasn't as mad as I thought I would be. We sat in silence for the rest of eating session. We got back in the cab and went back to my room where Steve was going to jump back in the vortex that is my spare bedroom. We said our goodbyes and he left. I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I sorta thought it was all a dream. I looked in the spare bedroom and saw there was no vortex or anything. Of course it was a dream. As I walked downstairs, there was a wallet on the counter. I opened it and it was Charlie Sheens. Attached was a note :Good for one soul (just not mine)-- Tep Cot Ahl. So it wasn't a dream...damn that clever Dahl and his un-loosened shenanigans.....
After this was written, we all found out Steve will be dipping out to Washington for a while. What a nerd. Who would want to leave this wonderful state full of -12 degree highs?? Can we be mad at him for taking his trillness to the west coast? Sure, but we won't. I'm actually planning a going away part for him (even though he has already left). I guess this also means I will have to use some vacation time to travel to Washington (not even Seattle--I think he said Tacoma). Oh well....But the worst part? All the cool kids I kick it with, leave the state : Mike Boo, Bickle, Drew, Victor, Tony and Jake. So alas, I am left to be trill on my own!
In really unrelated news, I am becoming more, and more, ashamed to be from Minnesota. I have found the Minnesota sports philosophy: Get a REALLY good player before anyone knows about them, let them play here for a few years, then trade them to another team, and bickity-BAM-that team becomes awesome.
Don't believe me? Lets check the examples--Randy Moss- Ok, here's my theory, the Raiders were a punishment on his way to the Patriots. Plus, he sorta missed Daunte.
Kevin Garnett-The Celtics are almost as good as when they had Larry Bird (SLAMONLINE even voted that the Timberwolves had the WORST front office in the NBA).
Torii Hunter-Well, the Angels will be pretty rock solid in the NL.
Johan Santana-If it all goes down, the Mets might be the team to beat in the AL.
6 draft picks (for Herschel Walker)-why not just give the title to the Cowboys? Oh wait, we sorta did.
Mark my words, Adrian Peterson will be gone in under 5 years. And instead of doing what needs to be done, we keep lame players like Joe Mauer, Tavaris Jackson, Al Jefferson (who may or may not pan out in the long run) and a handfull of other middle-ability players. Oh well.
You know, I'm quite sick of this freezing cold weather we're having in Minnesota. 4 layers of clothes just to take out the garbage is a bit much.....
So with all this said, keep warm and out of trouble. And if you see Tom Selleck, tell him 3 Men and a Baby would have been better with Turbo and Ozone (from Breakin').
JB
Maybe lil' Eli should call big brother Peyton and give him a 'priceless pep talk'. Actually, I think Eli did call him and the conversation went something like this "Guess who's not sitting at the little kids table at thanksgiving this year"! How can you be the returning Superbowl champs and lose to a team who lost its starting quarterback AND the best running back in the NFL? Oh yeah, because Dallas Clark can't catch a simple lob pass for a first down......
